Feeling
envious is normal; we ALL feel it from time to time. However, persistent
envious feelings contribute greatly to depression, global feelings of
dissatisfaction and unhappiness. Envious feelings usually stem from deep seated
feelings of dissatisfaction with our self-image, our life accomplishments and feelings
of inadequacy and low-self-esteem. Deep down our envious feelings are often the
result of our own wishes to have whatever the person we are envious of has such
as their career, financial success, social status or material possessions.
Persistent envious feelings can also damage our relationships. Envious people
often diminish the people they envy in an attempt to neutralize their envious
emotions. They may do this by speaking poorly about the person they envy when
with others or abruptly “cut off” their relationship with the person they envy.
Jealousy is
often confused with envy. Jealousy is something we feel when we fear an
important relationship is in jeopardy. The most common example of jealousy is
when an older sibling becomes jealous of a younger sibling because he/she fears
the younger sibling will take his mother/father away from him/her. Fears of abandonment and loss
are often connected with jealousy.
So the question
is, “How can examining our envious feelings help us?” To begin with, an awareness
of what is driving our envious feelings provides us with important self- knowledge
about the things we actually want to accomplish that we were not unaware of
before looking inward. This knowledge acts as a positive motivational force and
can help us accomplish what it was we were envious of in the first place. Awareness of our envious feelings also gives
us the power and permission to change our envious feelings and ultimately to make
BIG changes in our own lives. For example, if I was envious of a co-worker’s
promotion, instead of holding myself back by accepting or giving into my
envious feelings, I could create a plan of my own for getting a promotion. It’s
important to realize that there will be some envious wishes that may be
unachievable. For example, if you are envious of the newest celebrity on the
Hollywood scene, achieving a similar career may be impossible to accomplish.
Below are 4 tips to
help you find the positive side of envy:
1. Be honest with yourself about your envious
feelings. Most of us do not want to admit that we have envious feelings toward
another. It’s important to remember that we all feel envy and to accept these
feelings as a normal part of life. Write
a list of what exactly it is you envy about a particular person.
2. Decide what you envy about another that can
be realistic goals for you to pursue. We
all
have our own unique set of
strengths and weaknesses. What another person is great at doing we may not be. And
the opposite is true too, what we may be great at doing, someone else is not.
Pursue goals that are compatible with your strengths and talents and make a plan
for achieving them.
3. Minimize social comparisons. It’s normal to
socially compare ourselves to others and to feel competitive. These are the
measures we use for our own self-evaluation. Self-esteem is determined by how
well we measure up on our social comparisons. For example, if we measure up to
our expectations and goals we feel good and excited. If we do not measure up we
feel depressed or ashamed. Persistent social comparisons can be damaging to our
self-esteem and increase our envious feelings, especially when we feel we are
not measuring up to our ideal selves.
4. Interpret your envious feelings as an
opportunity for growth. Examining what, who and why you envy makes you aware of
what you want in your life. Remember, you would not feel as strongly about the
person you envy if whatever they have is not also important or a priority for
you.
