FIVE SIGNS YOU MAY BE CO-DEPENDENT AND TIPS
FOR CHANGING IT
Simply stated, co-dependency describes a dynamic in which one person enables and supports another person’s dysfunctional behavior or poor emotional health like alcohol or substance abuse, immaturity, irresponsibility and under achievement.
It’s important to acknowledge that having
dependency needs is healthy and normal.
In mature and healthy relationships, people are able to comfortably rely
upon one another for support, understanding and help while at the same time
retaining a sense of independence and autonomy. And this dynamic is
reciprocated, not just one sided. Healthy dynamics between people fosters
independence, resourcefulness and resiliency. While co-dependent dynamics
stifles and limits growth.
Recently, psychologists and other mental health
workers have learned that codependent behaviors also contribute to the
formation of dysfunction families in general and not just families struggling
with addiction or substance abuse. So addressing codependency behaviors in treatment is crucial
for helping ALL families get healthy
and back on track.
Common behaviors and signs
associated with co-dependency are as follows:
1.
Need
for excessive approval from other people.
2.
Organizing
thoughts and behaviors around others’ perceived expectations and desires.
3.
Overly
defined sense of responsibility of others’ happiness and emotional well-being.
4.
Inability
to express one’s true thoughts and feelings for fear it will upset others.
5.
One’s
identity and self-esteem is dependent on other’s approval and assumed
expectations.
Codependency
is a learned behavior and can be changed. Below are a few ways in which you can
begin to change co-dependent behaviors:
1. Awareness. Keep and journal for writing down co-dependent behaviors and
the situations in which they are most prevalent. For example, when someone
appears to be struggling do you automatically jump in to help or rescue? Do you
help to the extent that your own emotional and physical needs are put on the
back burner? Codependent behaviors in part are normal feelings of responsibility
and compassion gone awry.
2.
Boundaries.
Setting healthy boundaries is crucial for changing co-dependent behaviors. Being
able to say NO without feeling
guilty, anxious or afraid is what having healthy boundaries feels like. This is
challenging for co-dependents since pleasing others’ is crucial to their sense
of self, so saying NO is scary and
anxiety producing. Have a clear sense of the boundaries that feel right to you
and write them down. Place this list in an area of your home where you can regularly
read it. This will help reinforce your boundaries and make them more conscious
to for you. Be prepared by knowing that upholding your boundaries at first will
be difficult at best. Have a plan in place for coping with these difficult feelings
by making sure you’re making time to take care for yourself during this
transition.
3.
Entitled.
Feeling entitled to having your own thoughts, feelings, and opinions (even
when others’ do not agree or feel the same way) is important for breaking
co-dependent behaviors. Co-dependent behaviors are formed and reinforced by internal
pressure to pleasing others’ therefore the co-dependent person has not developed
their own identity or individuality.
Working on developing an authentic sense of self and healthy entitlement
increases self-esteem and self-respect, both of which act as a buffer against
continuing co-dependent behaviors.
4. Therapy. Co-dependency is a set of
behaviors and beliefs about one’s self and others’ that forms in early
childhood. Talking with a professional helps with better understanding one’s
unique reasons for developing co-dependent behaviors and once fully understood
lowers the chance of developing future co-dependent relationships and increase
the chances for having mutually satisfying and healthy relationships.
