Taking Back Control:How Not To Be A Victim

          All of us have felt victimized at some point or another in our lives. At these times we may feel  taken advantage of, wronged by another person and/or circumstance, or that life is simply just unfair. The victim stance is a powerful one. The victim believes he/she is always morally right, is not responsible or accountable for their actions, and is entitled to sympathy from others.  Individuals with a victim mentality feel that others are generally luckier or happier then they themselves are. They blame other's or institutions for their misfortunes, ascribe unfounded negative intentions to other people, and may even experience pleasure derived from feeling sorry for themselves. They are self-abasing by putting themselves down due to underlying low self-esteem, inadequacy, and depression. Chronic negative self-evaluations produce feelings of hopelessness and helplessness--a vicious cycle that perpetuates and underlies the victim mentality. Ultimately, individuals may maintain a victim mentality because they are afraid of taking responsibility for their own wants and desires and they have a fear of failure. They unconsciously believe they are not deserving of having good things in their life.

     It is possible to change the victim mentality since it is a learned behavior that usually begins in early childhood and learned behaviors can be unlearned. Young children are helpless and vulnerable and they rely on their caregivers for daily support. Some young children only receive positive reinforcement and emotional support when they elicite sympathy from distant caregivers. In these cases, having a victim mentality is reinforced because it is successful. However, in the long term being a victim takes away our individual power and potential.

    Transitioning from a victim mentality to a "taking back control" mentality requires understanding and examining the underlying psychological issues contributing to the victim mentality in the first place. Research studying the psychology of victim hood suggests that individuals with a victim mentality have difficulty expressing and processing negative emotions, such as anger, fear, and disappointment as well as difficulty with taking responsibility for their desires and actions. This results in feeling hopelessness and helplessness-an all too familiar feeling for individuals struggling with the victim mentality. Effective treatment focuses on helping individuals become aware of what they are doing that actually sustains their inability to take control of their life and helps them to see situations and relationships from many perspectives in order to expand their options for problem solving thereby decreasing feelings of powerlessness. Treatment also focuses on empowering individuals to take responsibility for their own desires and long-term actions and ultimately to feel deserving of all the good life has to offer them.

Below are a few tips to help you take back control:

1. Make a list of your desires and goals. Writing your goals and desires down is the first step towards taking ownership of your life. You have your own purpose and life destiny to fulfill. Others do not have a right to interfere with that process. It's your journey and yours alone.

2. Choose one goal and create a plan for achieving it. Allowing yourself the opportunity to take risks in order to achieve your goal is one way to NOT be a victim.

3. Be honest with yourself and examine what you may be doing that unintentionally places you in the victim role. For example, do you blame other's for negative outcomes because you may be too afraid of making a mistake, taking responsibility, or of asserting yourself?

4. Take time out on a daily basis to do something you enjoy and want to do.

5.Consider psychotherapy to develop a healthier self-concept. Developing a healthier self-concept will help to decrease feelings of helplessness and hopelessness and help you to live a fuller, more satisfying, and genuine life.


We want to hear from you. Do you consider yourself a victim? What do you do to perpetuate the victim role? Have you overcome the victim mindset? What have you done to overcome it? Do you have suggestions to share to help others?

This post was written by Dr. Paula Durlofsky. My office is located at 14 Elliott Avenue in Bryn Mawr, Pa. To find out more about me and my practice, please visit my web site at www.drpauladurlofsky.com. This fall I will be starting psychotherapy groups for individuals struggling with the victim mentality. To learn more about how group therapy can help please contact me at  484-431-8710 or by email at drpauladurlofsky@gmail.com

Managing Back To School Stress and Anxiety for The Whole Family

     With fall just around the corner many families begin to experience a growing sense of anxiety over getting back into the busy school routine. The morning rush, the homework, and the myriad of after school activities quickens our pace of life and is a stark contrast to the quintessential lazy summer days of no schedules or deadlines. Summer is also a time when many families reconnect. Families take vacations, they go out for late night ice cream runs, they go biking, and to the beach-- to name just a few of the many fun summer activities families do together. And let’s face it--everyone is more relaxed during the summer.  Experiencing feelings of anxiety and even sadness over transitioning from summer to fall is understandable. Families have a lot less time in the day to be together and along with school and fall comes added responsibility, less flexible schedules for all and higher stress levels.

     Becoming aware of situations and events that are likely to increase your and your families’ stress levels will help to reduce stress, actively manage anticipated stress and promote healthy coping behaviors.  Learning to plan ahead in order to better manage stress and anxiety is important since chronic stress contributes to depression, substance abuse, and even physical illness.  Starting your back to school planning early should help with reducing stress and anxiety and ultimately result in  a smoother transition from summer to fall.  

Below are a few tips to help you and your family better cope with back to school stress:

-Start your fall routine at least one week before school starts. It takes time for your body and mind to become acclimated to the early morning school routine.     

-As a family sit down and openly discuss concerns about the up-coming school year. For example, if your child is starting a new school it may be helpful to tour the school a few times before school actually begins. This is also helpful for returning students.    

-Manage your own anxiety and sadness. Children of all ages and parents may experience pangs of separation anxiety.

    

-If possible review with your child assignments they will have to complete in the first weeks of the school year.

    

-Avoid over scheduling your child. Ease back into scheduled days. Slowly add activities as the school year progresses.

-Seek out family time that helps you remain connected to each other. Try to set aside at least 15 minutes each day per child to enjoy time together. Maintaining a sense of connection is not only be a great way to be able to incorporate some of those positive and good “summer time” feelings but feeling connected to those you love can also help relieve stress and add love and laughter to your new year.  

If you feel your family has difficulty communicating throughout the entire year, family therapy may be considered as a treatment option in order to help family members develop positive and healthy communication skills. 

 I want to hear from you. How do you manage “back to school” stress? Do you have tips you can share that have worked for you and your family? Are you struggling with the idea of school starting?  

Letting Go of Perfectionism

 Perfectionism is characterized as a personality trait in which a person strives for flawlessness in all parts of life. Perfectionists have unattainably high standards for themselves. They are exceedingly concerned about others’ evaluation of them, hardly ever satisfied with their performance, and blame themselves for when things go wrong--even when they are not directly involved or responsible. For the perfectionist, mistakes are felt to be personal failures and/or personal deficits. Mistakes are not seen as a normal part of learning and growing that we all experience. A surprising consequence of perfectionism is chronic procrastination. Many people interpret their procrastination as not caring or as simply being “lazy”.  Actually procrastination is a symptom of perfectionism. Putting tasks off is the perfectionists way of protecting him or herself from the underlying fear that they will not complete the task perfectly, so they put it off as long as possible

    When perfectionists perform at what they perceive to be “below their standard” they become overly critical of themselves; damaging their self-esteem. This happens because the perfectionists’ self-worth is dependent upon productivity and accomplishment. Pressuring oneself to achieve lofty and unrealistic goals inevitably sets the person up for disappointment and feelings of frustration.  As a result, perfectionists often berate themselves with an abusive internal dialogue. They tell themselves they are stupid, inadequate, lazy, and may believe something is fundamentally wrong with them.

    Not all perfectionists are concerned with only productivity and accomplishments. A small subset of perfectionists is focused on achieving perfect physical appearance. Today’s society undeniably overvalues the importance of people’s physical appearance. We are surrounded by glossy magazine images, celebrities, and billboard pictures of flawless men and women who look “perfect” mainly due to digital enhancements and photo-shopping. Perfect looks have become highly valued since they symbolize success, happiness, and admiration by others. Consequently, this subset of perfectionists is at greater risk for developing Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD) and Eating Disorders such as anorexia and bulimia. Perfectionists whose self-esteem is more reliant on productivity and accomplishing goals are also susceptible to developing BDD and eating disorders in addition to depression, anxiety disorders, and problems in their personal relationships and careers. 

     When perfectionists are able to understand the underlying feelings feeding their behaviors they become aware of the vicious cycle their perfectionism creates and the negative impact in has on their overall happiness. Perfectionists tend to live narrow lives and often do not reach their full potential. They refuse to try new things for fear that they will make a mistake. Fortunately perfectionism can be treated with the help of a mental professional. Treatment focuses on helping the perfectionist to develop a realistic appraisal of him or herself, develop the ability to enjoy the process of attaining goals, help the perfectionist to accept mistakes as a normal part of learning and life, and develop a positive sense of self independent of one’s performance on a specific task or accomplishment. Treatment modalities for perfectionism include cognitive-behavioral therapy (challenging the irrational thoughts and formation of alternative ways of coping and thinking, psychoanalytic therapy (analyzes the underlying motives and issues), and group therapy (where two or more individuals work with one or more therapists).

Below are some tips to help you cope with perfectionism:

1. Become aware of your negative self-dialogue. Harsh and critical self-assessments reinforce perfectionism and procrastination.
2. Practice self-compassion. When we are compassionate with ourselves or fear of failure is not exaggerated. Mistakes are understood as being a natural and normal part of learning and life in general.
3. Take the time examine if your goals and expectations are attainable. If they are not, give yourself the permission to change them.   
4. Break goals down into smaller steps.
5. Examine your irrational fears of failure with a professional.  A professional can help with putting your irrational fears into prospective and help you to reach your full potential—living a full and rich life.