7 New Year's Resolutions For A Happier 2014

    

     As with everything in life, achieving happiness takes work, dedication and focus. For centuries January 1st has marked the date for us to take the time to reflect upon and re-evaluate our lives. We decide what changes or resolutions we need to make in order for us to lead happier and more satisfying lives in the New Year. Below I've complied a list of 7 tips or resolutions that you may want to add to your own list. Hopefully they will help make 2014 a happier year and most importantly a happier you.


1. Learn To Be Patient With Yourself. This is difficult for most of us since we expect so much from ourselves. We become our worst enemy when we are overly critical and harsh, making achieving our goals difficult and frankly unpleasant. Learning to be patient requires us to accept the reality that we all make "mistakes". Once we accept this fact, we gain a better understanding of ourselves. This understanding actually reduces our making needless mistakes in the future. And being patient dramatically improves our relationships.  We develop the capacity to be compassionate with others and ourselves too.

2. First Things First. This I learned from a special person in my life. Being able to prioritize life on both a large scale (big picture) and small scale (day-to-day) helps us to stay focused and not drift into a state of distraction and avoidance thereby preventing us from attending to whatever it was we wanted to do in the first place. First things first attitude also helps us to achieve our goals, big and small, by going about them in a logical and productive manner.
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3. Don't Be Afraid to Say No. Saying no is hard for many of us. It's understandable to want to avoid disappointing those we love and care about. For some saying no is difficult because they may believe the other person will be angry or reject them if they don't do what is asked of them. However, these feelings are often projected on to the other person. Saying no not only gives us a greater sense of autonomy but it also allows for the opportunity to clear up misunderstandings or to figure out a comprise. 

4. Tune Into Your Emotions. It's only natural to want to avoid or deny distressing emotions. Anxiety, depression, guilt, anger and other negative feelings are signals telling us that something is wrong. Learning to "sit with" unpleasant feelings and to take the time to understand them helps us find solutions to our problems--after all it's hard to fix what we don't know is wrong in the first place.

5. Go Out And Explore. It's important to continually develop and evolve as an individual. Adding variety of our lives by taking on different roles and exploring various interests helps us to remain stimulated, engaged, and connected to ourselves and others. Exploration of any kind broadens our world, improves our self-esteem, intelligence, confidence, and our overall well-being and degree of satisfaction.

6. It's Never Black or White. Developing the ability to see people and circumstances from multiple perspectives improves our attitude and our life in so many ways. No one individual or circumstance is ever simply "one way" or "another". When we develop the capacity to see the "shades of grey" in life, ourselves, and the people around us, we develop better coping strategies by becoming more flexible and nuanced in our thinking and problem solving capacities.

7. Ask For Help. Asking for help is difficult for some people because they perceive it is a sign of weakness. Others feel afraid, embarrassed or vulnerable when asking for help. Knowing "how" and "who" to ask for help is truly a strength. No one should feel they have to do it ALL on their own.

EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE--ONE OF OUR MOST IMPORTANT RESOURCES

       Did you ever think back on some of the important decisions you made in your life and wonder "What was I thinking?" or "Did I really do that and why?". It could be that not using  your emotional intelligence may be to blame for those bad decisions and actions. Emotional Intelligence has become the new catch phrase for self-awareness. Emotional Intelligence  (EQ) is essentially the ability to identify, use, understand, and manage emotions in an effective and positive way. A high EQ helps individuals to communicate better, reduce their anxiety and stress, defuse conflicts, improve relationships, empathize with others, and helps with effectively being able to overcome life's challenges. Our emotional intelligence profoundly impacts the quality of our life since EQ  profoundly influences how we behave and the quality of our relationships. EQ is synonymous with self-awareness because self-awareness, as with EQ, enables us to live our lives with intention, purpose, and autonomy.

     Many of us move through life making important decisions based on our current circumstances that many  of us perceive are beyond our ability to change in the first place-- therefore limiting our options and solutions. Taking the time to reflect upon how we “feel” about our decisions and examining “why” we decide to do what we do enables us to lead lives that are determined by our conscious intentions rather than circumstances alone.
    
     Developing self-awareness and/or EQ can greatly influence our success in life. This is not to say that our personal situations and/or our intelligence are not factors as well, however EQ and self-awareness can profoundly impact our choices by creating options we may not have otherwise imaged or considered to be possibilities for us in the first place.  Below are some ways in which you can cultivate and increase your EQ:  

1.      Self-awareness. This is the ability to label, recognize, and understand your own emotions. Self-awareness requires us to “tune in” to our feelings and not avoid our negative emotions such as anxiety, fear and sadness. Recognizing our own emotional states and how they affect our thoughts, behaviors, and decisions is the key to cultivating self-awareness.

2.      Emotional-regulation. Emotional-regulation has to do with our ability to control strong emotions by “not acting on” raw feelings in an impulsive or destructive manner. Developing the ability to “sit with” unpleasant feelings and to give our self the time and space to decide how we may alleviate or reduce negative feelings cultivates self-confidence in our ability to make thoughtful and intentional decisions. Emotional-regulation also helps us develop the ability to consider various solutions to a particular situation/problem. Not reacting solely from an emotionally charged state results in better decision-making outcomes.

3.      Empathy. When we empathize with others we develop deeper and more intimate relationships. Empathy is the ability to recognize how and why people feel the way they do. Empathy allows us to anticipate how our actions and behaviors influence other people as well as our own. Developing empathy skills enhances our experiences, relationships, and general understanding of ourselves, other people and the world around us.

4.      Social skills. This is a very broad term. In general having strong social skills means having the ability to communicate in a clear, concise, and courteous manner. In a nutshell, good social skills is the summation of all of the components of EQ; self-awareness, emotional-regulation, and empathy.

I would like to hear from you. What are your thoughts about EQ? Do you feel EQ is important? How to you think EQ can help improve your life and/or relationships?

 

Self-Esteem--What It Is and How To Raise Your's

     Have you ever wondered what self-esteem actually is? Have you ever thought you had low self-esteem? And, have you ever wondered what you could do to raise your self-esteem?

     Self-esteem is a psychological term that defines our general evaluation of our overall worth as an individual. These evaluations are based on our own personal judgements of ourselves and the type of attitudes we have about ourselves. For example our beliefs about our competency (I am a worthy individual and I have belief in my abilities or I am not smart and not good at anything). Self-esteem also encompasses the emotions we feel about ourselves, for example feelings of pride and triumph or feelings of despair and shame. In a nutshell, self-esteem is the judgements and emotions about who we are and our beliefs about how others perceive us. When our overarching evaluations are negative, we experience low self-esteem. We feel discouraged, undeserving, and unworthy. Conversely, we have high self-esteem when we have positive self-evaluations; we feel worthy, valued and encouraged. Self-esteem also affects the way we behave and the manner in which we relate to others (i.e. compassionate and empathetic or defensive and judgemental).

     Self-esteem is influenced by our early life experiences. In childhood parents have the most influence on shaping self-esteem. The more positive early experiences we have the greater the chance we will develop a healthy degree of self-esteem as children and adults. Numerous books and several studies have been conducted that suggest parents who give their children unconditional love, a consistent sense of being cared for and respect raise children who have high self-esteem. Negative childhood experiences that cause low self-esteem would include being harshly criticized, humiliation, being sexually or emotionally abused, being ignored, and/or being expected to be "perfect" at all times.

     There are numerous self-report inventories that assess self-esteem. However, a formal "test" is not always necessary to evaluate your own level of self-esteem. Instead, set aside time to really think about and understand how you define yourself, and how you evaluate yourself. If you find you are excessively focused on your performance, make negative self-comments, have a fear of trying new things and relate to others in either a clingy or overly independent manner, you may have low self-esteem. This leads to the question--How can one raise his or her self-esteem? Below are some suggestions:

1. Broaden your self-definition. Try not to be overly critical of yourself or demand to be perfect. Working toward developing an ability to be patient with yourself and others, developing self-compassion, expressing emotions and being open to trying varied interests and new activities  are BIG steps towards raising your self-esteem.

2. While an occasional self-disparaging comment every now and then is normal, recurrent and chronic negative comments about one's self is a symptom of low self-esteem. We all have our strengths and weaknesses. And just like we cannot all be great at everything the opposite is also true--we CANNOT all be bad at everything. Generalizing negative beliefs about ourselves inhibits us from having a realistic picture of our true abilities. Take time out to think of a few things you have are not "terrible" at and may even enjoy doing. Most likely your list will be longer than you expected. Make a plan to further develop these skills and interests in order to gain a greater sense of pride and competency.

3. Develop relationships that have a healthy dependency. When we feel a combination of both connection and independence in our relationships we have established a healthy dependency. These types of relationships empower us to take risks, to venture out and explore new relationships and interests AND at the same time to feel connected and close to the important people in our lives.

4. Seek professional help. Therapy can help to raise your self-esteem in a supportive and emotionally secure environment.

I would like to hear from you. What are your thoughts about self esteem? Have you been able to raise your self-esteem? How? Do you or a loved one have low self-esteem and don't know what to do about it? Share some ideas you have for helping people raise their self-esteem.