When Having It All Is Not Enough

     We can all relate to experiencing anxiety stemming from the fear that what we have is not enough. We ask ourselves, "Do I have enough money, friends, education, a big enough house, have I achieved enough accomplishments or have a prestigious enough career?". For some this feeling is a reality; there are many who struggle to support themselves on a daily basis and truly do not have enough. But for others, who have an abundance, unrealistic fears that what they have is NOT enough is an emotionally debilitating problem. This is analogous to enjoying a six course dinner at a elegant restaurant and at the end of the meal leaving famished. Continuous and unrealistic anxiety and fear of "not having enough" prevents us from enjoying and appreciating what we actually have.

    This nagging, " not having enough" feeling is often caused by an underlying belief that one is "not enough" on the inside-simply stated, feelings of inadequacy. This void gets filled by buying more "things" and/or by achieving greater and better accomplishments in the hope of being enough. At first, having more and accomplishing bigger and greater things might "hit the spot". However, this false feeling is temporary and after a brief period of time passes, the feeling of not having enough returns. And what was accomplished or accumulated during this time is then devalued.

     This does not mean we should not set goals that challenge and help us lead richer and fuller lives. We are all entitled to want more and have more. Problems arise when we believe we are inadequate to begin with and having more or doing more does not resolve this issue.

Below are a few tips to help you not get caught in the "when having it all is not enough" trap:

1. Set aside time to write a list of what you believe you don't have enough of and why.

2. Review each assumption and challenge yourself to imagine what you hope to accomplish from having more. The goal here is to develop realistic expectations of what you will accomplish from having more and how having more will improve your life. Realistic expectations and overall understanding helps to create genuine and lasting change resulting in improved self-esteem and happiness.

3. Start a gratitude journal. Write down all the things in your life you are grateful for and why.  Set aside time each day to read it and add to it regularly. This should help with developing a healthy perspective about one's life.

4. Consider psychotherapy to examine and explore underlying issues contributing to your feelings of not having enough or inadequacy that prevents you from enjoying what you already have.

I would like to hear from you. Do you struggle with feelings of inadequacy? Are you constantly craving more even when what you have is more than enough?

Social Media Fantasies Lead To #Depression

 

     
     Most of us are familiar with social networking sites such as Facebook, twitter, myspace and Instagram.  It’s easy to get caught-up in the virtual social world, me included, feeling instantly connected to people that I may not have spoken to in years. Hours of our time can be spent witnessing our “friends” family vacations, children’s momentous occasions, birthdays, weddings and even our “friends” difficult life transitions such as divorce, sickness and deaths.  Although social networking relationships can have a positive effect on us emotionally, numerous studies have been conducted and articles written linking social networking to depression, social isolation, eliciting feelings of envy, insecurity and poor self-esteem.  On the contrary,  other studies indicate that social media sites can be positive for people struggling with social anxiety and depression.

 

     With all these conflicting reports, it may be wise to understand our own personal reasons for using social networking sites and to evaluate whether or not our use of them is helping or hindering our sense of connection to others as well as our overall emotional health.  Once we understand what the psychological needs are underlying our use of these sites we can then adjust our expectations to meet these needs.  For example, if we are using these sites to build friendships, it’s important to be aware of their limitations in order to avoid disappointment.   When we find ourselves feeling left out, inadequate, irritable or jealous after reading stories or viewing photos of our friends’ activities we can assume our cyber relationships are not meeting our emotional needs. We can all agree that viewing a friend’s vacation pictures and posts will not be as gratifying as when we have the chance to talk to our friend about his/her vacation in person or even during a telephone conversation.  After all, most social networking users will not post vacation pictures and stories that convey the difficult moments they might have had on their vacation. Having a balanced perspective and realistic expectations about social media networking can prevent feelings of jealousy, inadequacy, depression and social comparisons.   

 

     It is also important to assess the quality of our non-virtual relationships. This can be done by taking a hard look at the amount of actual “real life” time we spend with the people who are important to us such as our girlfriends, boyfriends, spouses, children, extended family and close friends.  It’s pretty hard, if not impossible, to replace the feelings of connection that manifest from having personal, genuine relationships. This is not to say that social networking is all bad or that our relationships from these sites are not genuine, instead it is important to keep in mind their limitations so we can adjust our expectations accordingly.

 

Below are a few tips to help you balance virtual relationships and “real-time” relationships:

 

1.     Ask yourself why you are using social networking sites. Is it to build relationships, for professional networking purposes, to connect to old friends or to stay connected to those that live far away. Once you determine what you are looking for you can then set realistic goals. 

2.     Limit your time on social networking sites. This will help with controlling the amount of time you are spending in the virtual world.  

3.     If social networking sites cause you to feel disconnected, depressed or lonely consider “upping” your interactions with people by sending them a private message or even a text message. This level of virtual communication is more personal and intimate than communicating in an open forum.

4.     Make sure to schedule time to see your friends and family beyond the virtual world.

Having positive, secure relationships is strongly associated with high levels of self-esteem, resiliency, fosters feelings of connectedness and decreases depression and anxiety.  

 

I would like to hear from you. Do you use social networking sites often? How do you balance your virtual relationships with your “real life” relationships? Do you feel the same type of social pressure from social media sites that you may feel in your non-virtual social life?

 

 

 

7 New Year's Resolutions For A Happier 2014

    

     As with everything in life, achieving happiness takes work, dedication and focus. For centuries January 1st has marked the date for us to take the time to reflect upon and re-evaluate our lives. We decide what changes or resolutions we need to make in order for us to lead happier and more satisfying lives in the New Year. Below I've complied a list of 7 tips or resolutions that you may want to add to your own list. Hopefully they will help make 2014 a happier year and most importantly a happier you.


1. Learn To Be Patient With Yourself. This is difficult for most of us since we expect so much from ourselves. We become our worst enemy when we are overly critical and harsh, making achieving our goals difficult and frankly unpleasant. Learning to be patient requires us to accept the reality that we all make "mistakes". Once we accept this fact, we gain a better understanding of ourselves. This understanding actually reduces our making needless mistakes in the future. And being patient dramatically improves our relationships.  We develop the capacity to be compassionate with others and ourselves too.

2. First Things First. This I learned from a special person in my life. Being able to prioritize life on both a large scale (big picture) and small scale (day-to-day) helps us to stay focused and not drift into a state of distraction and avoidance thereby preventing us from attending to whatever it was we wanted to do in the first place. First things first attitude also helps us to achieve our goals, big and small, by going about them in a logical and productive manner.
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3. Don't Be Afraid to Say No. Saying no is hard for many of us. It's understandable to want to avoid disappointing those we love and care about. For some saying no is difficult because they may believe the other person will be angry or reject them if they don't do what is asked of them. However, these feelings are often projected on to the other person. Saying no not only gives us a greater sense of autonomy but it also allows for the opportunity to clear up misunderstandings or to figure out a comprise. 

4. Tune Into Your Emotions. It's only natural to want to avoid or deny distressing emotions. Anxiety, depression, guilt, anger and other negative feelings are signals telling us that something is wrong. Learning to "sit with" unpleasant feelings and to take the time to understand them helps us find solutions to our problems--after all it's hard to fix what we don't know is wrong in the first place.

5. Go Out And Explore. It's important to continually develop and evolve as an individual. Adding variety of our lives by taking on different roles and exploring various interests helps us to remain stimulated, engaged, and connected to ourselves and others. Exploration of any kind broadens our world, improves our self-esteem, intelligence, confidence, and our overall well-being and degree of satisfaction.

6. It's Never Black or White. Developing the ability to see people and circumstances from multiple perspectives improves our attitude and our life in so many ways. No one individual or circumstance is ever simply "one way" or "another". When we develop the capacity to see the "shades of grey" in life, ourselves, and the people around us, we develop better coping strategies by becoming more flexible and nuanced in our thinking and problem solving capacities.

7. Ask For Help. Asking for help is difficult for some people because they perceive it is a sign of weakness. Others feel afraid, embarrassed or vulnerable when asking for help. Knowing "how" and "who" to ask for help is truly a strength. No one should feel they have to do it ALL on their own.