Your Opinion? A Reader's Question About Guilt.

Dear Dr. Durlofsky,

I read your blog entry about the differences between healthy and unhealthy guilt today, and I would like to ask your opinion on something.

I am a middle-aged married man. I recently confessed to my wife of 12 years my habit of visiting internet cyber chat rooms and pornography sites. I also confessed to her that several months ago I ran into my high school girlfriend. I hadn't seen her for numerous years and we ended up kissing for about 5 minutes on a bench in public. Although I told my wife about this encounter, I did not tell her that I kissed her too. I do not intend on having an affair. I told my wife that when I visited chat rooms I always made it clear that I was married and that I ended all contact with people I chatted with when it became clear it was going to harm my marriage. ( I did not use the word cybersex in my confession).

My wife was angry when I told her these things. She did not talk to me for about 10 days. She then told me that she was hurt and that she hated the feeling of being betrayed, but she forgave me and that she wanted to leave the past behind. I also made the decision to seek treatment. I gave my wife passwords to all my email accounts and placed my computer in the dining room where there are no doors. So far I stayed porn and chat room free for almost 7 months (202 days as of this writing).

The problem is I am still feeling guilty for what I have done. I know that what I withheld was relatively minor and that none if this has done lasting harm to my marriage. We are in good shape as a couple and family.

My question is this: is what I am feeling unhealthy guilt? I feel I have made some critical changes and done no real harm, but I would appreciate your thoughts.

Many thanks,
Robert M.

Dear Robert,

I want to congratulate on your courage to share this information with your wife and your decision to seek treatment. You stated a few times in your email that you believe "no real damage was done" and you did not disclose to your wife the fact that you kissed another woman or engaged in cybersex. Based on this it sounds like you are minimizing your risky actions and the damage your past behaviors have had on your marriage and your self-concept. You seem to realize you have not been fully honest with your wife and probably with yourself.  All of which could be reasons why you still feel guilty. Minimization is a common defense people use when dealing with addiction or feelings that are scary for one to acknowledge.

Re-building trust and forgiving ourselves for past wrong doings takes time and understanding. Although trust can be rebuilt, with lots of hard work, you may need to keep in mind that the reason for rebuilding the trust in your marriage, is the result of your dishonesty.

Exploring your guilty feelings, whether your guilt be healthy or not, should help you to understand the issues and reasons underlying your past risky behaviors. And most importantly, help you to address them in a positive and effective way.

Best of luck to you. Looks like you are well on your way!

Dr. Durlofsky

If you have a question you would like to ask? Email me at drpauladurlofsky@gmail.

 

When Having It All Is Not Enough

     We can all relate to experiencing anxiety stemming from the fear that what we have is not enough. We ask ourselves, "Do I have enough money, friends, education, a big enough house, have I achieved enough accomplishments or have a prestigious enough career?". For some this feeling is a reality; there are many who struggle to support themselves on a daily basis and truly do not have enough. But for others, who have an abundance, unrealistic fears that what they have is NOT enough is an emotionally debilitating problem. This is analogous to enjoying a six course dinner at a elegant restaurant and at the end of the meal leaving famished. Continuous and unrealistic anxiety and fear of "not having enough" prevents us from enjoying and appreciating what we actually have.

    This nagging, " not having enough" feeling is often caused by an underlying belief that one is "not enough" on the inside-simply stated, feelings of inadequacy. This void gets filled by buying more "things" and/or by achieving greater and better accomplishments in the hope of being enough. At first, having more and accomplishing bigger and greater things might "hit the spot". However, this false feeling is temporary and after a brief period of time passes, the feeling of not having enough returns. And what was accomplished or accumulated during this time is then devalued.

     This does not mean we should not set goals that challenge and help us lead richer and fuller lives. We are all entitled to want more and have more. Problems arise when we believe we are inadequate to begin with and having more or doing more does not resolve this issue.

Below are a few tips to help you not get caught in the "when having it all is not enough" trap:

1. Set aside time to write a list of what you believe you don't have enough of and why.

2. Review each assumption and challenge yourself to imagine what you hope to accomplish from having more. The goal here is to develop realistic expectations of what you will accomplish from having more and how having more will improve your life. Realistic expectations and overall understanding helps to create genuine and lasting change resulting in improved self-esteem and happiness.

3. Start a gratitude journal. Write down all the things in your life you are grateful for and why.  Set aside time each day to read it and add to it regularly. This should help with developing a healthy perspective about one's life.

4. Consider psychotherapy to examine and explore underlying issues contributing to your feelings of not having enough or inadequacy that prevents you from enjoying what you already have.

I would like to hear from you. Do you struggle with feelings of inadequacy? Are you constantly craving more even when what you have is more than enough?

Social Media Fantasies Lead To #Depression

 

     
     Most of us are familiar with social networking sites such as Facebook, twitter, myspace and Instagram.  It’s easy to get caught-up in the virtual social world, me included, feeling instantly connected to people that I may not have spoken to in years. Hours of our time can be spent witnessing our “friends” family vacations, children’s momentous occasions, birthdays, weddings and even our “friends” difficult life transitions such as divorce, sickness and deaths.  Although social networking relationships can have a positive effect on us emotionally, numerous studies have been conducted and articles written linking social networking to depression, social isolation, eliciting feelings of envy, insecurity and poor self-esteem.  On the contrary,  other studies indicate that social media sites can be positive for people struggling with social anxiety and depression.

 

     With all these conflicting reports, it may be wise to understand our own personal reasons for using social networking sites and to evaluate whether or not our use of them is helping or hindering our sense of connection to others as well as our overall emotional health.  Once we understand what the psychological needs are underlying our use of these sites we can then adjust our expectations to meet these needs.  For example, if we are using these sites to build friendships, it’s important to be aware of their limitations in order to avoid disappointment.   When we find ourselves feeling left out, inadequate, irritable or jealous after reading stories or viewing photos of our friends’ activities we can assume our cyber relationships are not meeting our emotional needs. We can all agree that viewing a friend’s vacation pictures and posts will not be as gratifying as when we have the chance to talk to our friend about his/her vacation in person or even during a telephone conversation.  After all, most social networking users will not post vacation pictures and stories that convey the difficult moments they might have had on their vacation. Having a balanced perspective and realistic expectations about social media networking can prevent feelings of jealousy, inadequacy, depression and social comparisons.   

 

     It is also important to assess the quality of our non-virtual relationships. This can be done by taking a hard look at the amount of actual “real life” time we spend with the people who are important to us such as our girlfriends, boyfriends, spouses, children, extended family and close friends.  It’s pretty hard, if not impossible, to replace the feelings of connection that manifest from having personal, genuine relationships. This is not to say that social networking is all bad or that our relationships from these sites are not genuine, instead it is important to keep in mind their limitations so we can adjust our expectations accordingly.

 

Below are a few tips to help you balance virtual relationships and “real-time” relationships:

 

1.     Ask yourself why you are using social networking sites. Is it to build relationships, for professional networking purposes, to connect to old friends or to stay connected to those that live far away. Once you determine what you are looking for you can then set realistic goals. 

2.     Limit your time on social networking sites. This will help with controlling the amount of time you are spending in the virtual world.  

3.     If social networking sites cause you to feel disconnected, depressed or lonely consider “upping” your interactions with people by sending them a private message or even a text message. This level of virtual communication is more personal and intimate than communicating in an open forum.

4.     Make sure to schedule time to see your friends and family beyond the virtual world.

Having positive, secure relationships is strongly associated with high levels of self-esteem, resiliency, fosters feelings of connectedness and decreases depression and anxiety.  

 

I would like to hear from you. Do you use social networking sites often? How do you balance your virtual relationships with your “real life” relationships? Do you feel the same type of social pressure from social media sites that you may feel in your non-virtual social life?