Pause before posting: The benefits of not oversharing on social media

MAIN LINE HEALTH FEBRUARY 8, 2017 WELLNESS ARTICLES BY PAULA DURLOFSKY, PHD

For most of us, social media is the main means of communicating with friends and family. A recent study by the Pew Research Center found that eight in ten Americans have a Facebook profile and, of these users, 32 percent have an Instagram account and 24 percent have a Twitter account.

These numbers show no sign of slowing down; in fact, they indicate a five percent growth from the previous year. We’re now more likely to hear news about our friends’ and families’ lives online than we are in-person.

Minding our virtual relationships and crafting our online personas and reputation is a relatively new way to interact with others we know and those we don’t. What is considered to be socially appropriate behavior for our online relationships really is no different than it is for our real life ones.

Paying attention to the ways in which we interact online, what we share, and the quality of our virtual relationships is important, as they have a real impact on our lives and mental health.

Sharing the ups and downs of our lives with close friends and family is the glue that binds our relationships and what makes them strong. It is equally important to navigate our online relationships with the same level of care with which we navigate our real life relationships—perhaps to an even greater level, as social media lacks a personal connection. Says Paul Booth, a professor at DePaul University in Chicago: “Our interactions on social media tend to be weak ties—that is we don’t feel personally connected to the people on the other end of our communication as we do when face-to-face.”

This is important to keep in mind when we have the drive to post intimate or sensitive information about ourselves or lives. In the end, our relationships are meant to make us feel good and cultivating healthy relationships both in real life and online are important.

Below are some tips for navigating online posting and communication.

Don’t post when you’re feeling emotional

At one time or another, we have all said and done things in anger that we later regretted and wished we could take back. These things are harder to take back when they are published online. When we’re in the heat of the moment, going rogue on social media usually isn’t the best idea. We’ve all seen conflicts play out on social media and the result is rarely a resolution. Instead, it is hurtful and insulting comments and rhetoric that ultimately leaves one feeling hurt, defensive and misunderstood.

Instead of quickly responding to a friend’s comment you take issue with, consciously take a break from social media in order to give yourself the proper time and space to process your feelings and collect your thoughts before posting a response.

Use private messaging to resolve conflicts

If you feel you need to speak up or respond to a friend’s post you take offense to, engage in a phone call or in-person conversation before taking your grievance public.

Directly sorting out conflicts is the best approach. Reducing your discussion to just those involved in the original conflict reduces the chances of pulling others into the mix which can make matter worse.

Prepare yourself for negative responses

Before engaging in a public discourse, ask yourself: “Am I prepared to receive a barrage of negative responses?” If you think negative feedback and comments will make you feel upset or angry, hold off on posting. Instead, consider calling or texting a friend to talk through your feelings.

Protect your privacy

It’s important to keep in mind that our social networks—and the comments that we make on them—are easier to find than ever.

It’s become a common practice for employers or universities to search a prospective applicant’s or student’s social media profiles and, in these cases, it’s not just our relationships that suffer from oversharing but our opportunities, too. Make it a habit to only share private and sensitive information face-to-face or by phone.

Be aware of social media overload and Internet addiction

Compulsive Internet use is defined by excessive Internet use resulting in difficulty maintaining daily responsibilities or normal daily function. Although this is not an officially recognized disorder, internet overuse and its effects on our emotional well-being is being widely researched.

Some of the symptoms associated with compulsive Internet use include poor concentration, emotional detachment and shutdown, and withdrawal symptoms similar to that of substance use withdrawal have been reported. Being aware of the potentially negative consequences of too much time spent online is an important part of cultivating a healthy balance between our online relationships and real life ones.

Dr. Paula Durlofsky is a psychologist in private practice in Bryn Mawr, whose practice focuses on psychological issues affecting individuals, couples and families. She is affiliated with Bryn Mawr Hospital and Lankenau Medical Center.

LET GO OF SHAME FOR A HAPPIER YOU

Let’s be honest: we’ve all done things that we’re ashamed of. Shame is a universal human emotion. Social psychologists say that a healthy dose of shame, when rightfully felt, is crucial to our survival. It keeps us on track for behaving in “socially appropriate” ways so we maintain our relationships and repair them when necessary.

However, chronic and unnecessary feelings of self-directed shame can be exhausting and paralyzing. Shame of this kind is typically rooted in deep-seated feelings of inferiority, inadequacy and defectiveness and the degree to which these shameful feelings are felt usually do not match the reality of the situation that caused them in the first place.

It’s important to know the difference between feelings of shame and feelings of guilt. Guilt reflects emotions related to doing something wrong or bad, whereas shame reflects feeling fundamentally bad about yourself regardless of the situation or circumstance. Those struggling with deep-seated feelings of shame tend to withdrawal and hide from the world, only to be left feeling even lonelier and rejected.

Overcoming shame and rebuilding self-esteem and self-love takes time and patience—but it can be done. Below are a few strategies that could help get you started.

Practice self-compassion

We are more likely to be critical of ourselves when we feel shame, but harsh self-talk only intensifies our shameful feelings and is in no way helpful. Practicing self-compassion is a good way to stop shameful feelings from spiraling out of control. Practice self-compassion daily by treating yourself as you would a friend, with a focus on developing an inner dialogue that is kind, caring, and loving.

Avoid situations and people that trigger feelings of shame

Work on being able to identify situations in which you feel shame and, when possible, avoid them. There may be people in our lives that we notice reinforce or trigger our feelings of shame. When this happens it is usually a warning sign of a dysfunctional relationship. Seeking marital or family counseling should be helpful with addressing dysfunctional dynamics and teaching new ways of relating that foster love, respect and compassion.

Avoid heaping on unnecessary layers of shame

We all experience feelings of shame. After all, we’re only human. Give yourself the permission to feel shame when you feel it. Avoid heaping more amounts of hurt and shame onto yourself by being harsh and self-critical about your feelings in the first place. When we accept our feeling we stop fighting against them and therefore giving ourselves the emotional space to begin the work of understanding and addressing the underlying causes of our shame.

Dr. Paula Durlofsky is a psychologist in private practice in Bryn Mawr, whose practice focuses on psychological issues affecting individuals, couples and families. She is affiliated with Bryn Mawr Hospital and Lankenau Medical Center.

FIVE SIGNS YOU MAY BE CO-DEPENDENT AND TIPS FOR CHANGING IT

 

Simply stated, co-dependency describes a dynamic in which one person enables and supports another person’s dysfunctional behavior or poor emotional health like alcohol or substance abuse, immaturity, irresponsibility and under achievement. 

 It’s important to acknowledge that having dependency needs is healthy and normal.  In mature and healthy relationships, people are able to comfortably rely upon one another for support, understanding and help while at the same time retaining a sense of independence and autonomy. And this dynamic is reciprocated, not just one sided. Healthy dynamics between people fosters independence, resourcefulness and resiliency. While co-dependent dynamics stifles and limits growth.

   Recently, psychologists and other mental health workers have learned that codependent behaviors also contribute to the formation of dysfunction families in general and not just families struggling with addiction or substance abuse.  So addressing codependency behaviors in treatment is crucial for helping ALL families get healthy and back on track.

Common behaviors and signs associated with co-dependency are as follows:

1.    Need for excessive approval from other people.

2.    Organizing thoughts and behaviors around others’ perceived expectations and desires.

3.    Overly defined sense of responsibility of others’  happiness and emotional well-being.

4.    Inability to express one’s true thoughts and feelings for fear it will upset others.

5.    One’s identity and self-esteem is dependent on other’s approval and assumed expectations.

     Codependency is a learned behavior and can be changed. Below are a few ways in which you can begin to change co-dependent behaviors:

1.    Awareness.  Keep and journal for writing down co-dependent behaviors and the situations in which they are most prevalent. For example, when someone appears to be struggling do you automatically jump in to help or rescue? Do you help to the extent that your own emotional and physical needs are put on the back burner? Codependent behaviors in part are normal feelings of responsibility and compassion gone awry.

2.     Boundaries. Setting healthy boundaries is crucial for changing co-dependent behaviors. Being able to say NO without feeling guilty, anxious or afraid is what having healthy boundaries feels like. This is challenging for co-dependents since pleasing others’ is crucial to their sense of self, so saying NO is scary and anxiety producing. Have a clear sense of the boundaries that feel right to you and write them down. Place this list in an area of your home where you can regularly read it. This will help reinforce your boundaries and make them more conscious to for you. Be prepared by knowing that upholding your boundaries at first will be difficult at best. Have a plan in place for coping with these difficult feelings by making sure you’re making time to take care for yourself during this transition.

3.     Entitled. Feeling entitled to having your own thoughts, feelings, and opinions (even when others’ do not agree or feel the same way) is important for breaking co-dependent behaviors. Co-dependent behaviors are formed and reinforced by internal pressure to pleasing others’ therefore the co-dependent person has not developed their own identity or individuality.  Working on developing an authentic sense of self and healthy entitlement increases self-esteem and self-respect, both of which act as a buffer against continuing co-dependent behaviors.  

4. Therapy. Co-dependency is a set of behaviors and beliefs about one’s self and others’ that forms in early childhood. Talking with a professional helps with better understanding one’s unique reasons for developing co-dependent behaviors and once fully understood lowers the chance of developing future co-dependent relationships and increase the chances for having mutually satisfying and healthy relationships.