Stop the cycle of self-sabotage

MAIN LINE HEALTH JULY 12, 2017 WELLNESS ARTICLES BY PAULA DURLOFSKY, PHD

If you often find that, despite good intentions, your efforts are often backfiring, you may be unknowingly using self-sabotaging tactics and engaging in self-sabotaging behaviors.

Self-sabotaging behaviors are made up of a complex set of actions and thoughts that ruin our good intentions and negatively affect our relationships, employment, health, quality of life and emotional well-being. These self-sabotaging behaviors are usually learned in childhood through example and by modeling, and it is not uncommon for these behaviors to be passed down from one generation to the next.

It’s important to understand that since self-sabotaging behaviors are initially reinforced, in the short-term they allow temporary relief from feelings of anxiety and stress by means of avoidance, but in the long-term they lead to chronic depression, low self-esteem, substance abuse, poor interpersonal relationships, un-actualized life goals and stifles potential.

Examples of self-sabotaging behaviors and thoughts are:

• Agreeing to commitments and tasks that you’d like to say no to
• Procrastinating
• Neglecting your physical health (e.g., a poor diet, lack of exercise, abusing alcohol)
• Frequently lying to people in order to avoid a conflict
• Being impulsive with actions and feelings
• Believing and needed to always be right
• Not finishing projects or tasks you’ve started
• Focusing only on the negative aspects of your life or yourself

Although self-sabotaging behaviors can be difficult to let go of, it is not impossible. Instead, replace self-sabotaging behaviors with helpful, positive behaviors and thoughts.

Below are a few strategies to help you get out of the self-sabotage trap:

• Acknowledge that you engage in self-sabotaging behaviors and thoughts. The first step in addressing any issue is to acknowledge it. Acknowledging our struggles allows us to take personal responsibility for them and makes us aware that it is within our power to make life real and lasting changes.
• Identify when you most often use self-sabotaging tactics. Write down specific situations where you recognize you use self-defeating thoughts and behaviors. Identify the feelings you’re avoiding by using self-sabotaging tactics such as anxiety, fear of hurting someone else’s feelings or avoiding a conflict.
• Have a plan for challenging times. Take the time to brainstorm with a trusted friend, family member or a mental health professional in order to find alternative ways of responding to future challenging situations. It’s difficult for most people to think clearly when they are feeling anxious or stressed. Being prepared with healthy tactics when facing a challenging situation improves your chances for making changes.
• Seek professional help. Self-sabotage behaviors are complex and being able to actually change them may need the help of a professional. Together, exploring the underlying causes of one’s self-destructive behaviors can bring about the insights needed for lasting change and for leading a rewarding and enriched life.

Failure to launch: Adult children living at home and how to help them

MAIN LINE HEALTH MAY 9, 2017 WELLNESS ARTICLES BY PAULA DURLOFSKY, PHD

According to the most recent US Census Bureau report, 24 million adults ages 18–34 are still living at home with their parents. This could be for a variety of reasons—economic hardship, a difficult housing market, a competitive career landscape—but, whatever the reason, the truth is clear: it’s becoming more commonplace and acceptable to call your parents roommates.

While it may be more acceptable, this trend can lead to some unhealthy behavior. For some adult children living at home, the duration of their stay can be considered emotionally unhealthy and mean they have a “failure to launch.”

This term, failure to launch, describes the phenomenon of adult children remaining highly dependent upon their parents after college and beyond. The psychological and systematic factors underlying the failure to launch are complex and multifaceted.

It’s not uncommon for young adults navigating adult responsibilities to suffer from depression, anxiety, substance abuse and deep-seated feelings of isolation. Emotional issues often do not express themselves until late adolescence or young adulthood. Additionally, learning issues that were not detected earlier can also contribute to the underlying causes of an adult child’s struggle with functioning independently and autonomously.

But, at its core, failure to launch signifies a young adult’s struggle with his or her ability to be autonomous and to function independently from his/her parents.

Dr. Eli R. Lebowitz, a psychologist at the Yale Child Study Center at Yale University recommends the following strategies for parents of adult children who find themselves in a failure to launch situation to steer their child toward autonomy and independence:

Don’t be judgmental of yourself or your dependent adult child

Too often, parents and/or their overly dependent adult children are labeled as being lazy, selfish or overly indulgent. These types of remarks and criticism only bring about deeper feelings of shame, depression, isolation and anxiety for parents and children. In actuality, failure to launch is a multi-faceted and complicated situation.

Be compassionate with your child

It’s important to recognize that your dependent adult child likely is not enjoying their lack of autonomy independence. Ultimately, it is painful for anyone to watch their peers move on with their lives by starting careers, being in mature relationships and living independently. Understand that your child is likely not happy to be living at home, either.

Decrease accommodating behaviors that enable your child’s dependence

Some parents of dependent children continue to do all their laundry, cook their meals and clean their bedrooms. These behaviors may actually enable your child’s dependency upon you. Set up small goals aimed at helping your dependent child take on more personal responsibility for themselves. For example, expect them to prepare their own dinner, keep their room clean and pay a household utility bill if possible.

Don’t keep it secret

Keeping your and your child’s living situation a secret may intensify feelings of shame and failure. At some point in our lives, we all struggle. It’s important to appreciate our difficult times, not view them as something we are ashamed of. Seek support from family and friends about your situation

Get a mental health evaluation, for issues like depression and anxiety

It’s not uncommon for mental health issues to exhibit themselves in late adolescence or young adulthood. Some learning issues are not detected during a child’s high school years because of parental involvement and teacher supervision. So, it’s not uncommon for learning issues to become more apparent in situations where there are significant academic and organizational demands and little supervision.

Five Tips For Breaking Old Habits

     Whether you want to stop biting your nails, quit smoking or even just start showing up early to events instead of late, the willingness to break ‘bad’ habits is admirable. But, as so many of us know too well, it can also be difficult.

     For most of us, the idea of changing old habits feels impossible because they often feel beyond our control. That’s because habits are formed by a set of behaviors that are repeated over and over again. Once a habit is formed—whether it is good or bad—it can be hard to break because the behaviors that we repeat the most are ingrained into our neural pathways. Deeply ingrained behaviors (habits) are formed early in our life and are influenced by our early childhood experiences and environments.

     But the good news is that—with repetition, practice, focus and commitment—new habits can be formed and maintained.

     To form these new habits, you first need an understanding and awareness of the habit you want to break. This allows us to make lasting change, and can lead to insights about what emotional impact our habits have on ourselves and others, as well as in what environments we are most likely to practice these habits.

     Once you have an understanding and awareness of these factors, here are some other tips to help you break old habits and develop new ones:

Start small

Habits are complex behaviors and require complex solutions, so focus on changing them one at a time.

For example, rather than saying, “Starting tomorrow, I’ll start exercising every day,” say “I’ll go to an exercise class on Wednesday.”

As you find success with each small goal, gradually increase them in an effort to meet your ultimate goal.

Seek to understand your habit

People want to change habits that are damaging—either emotionally or physically—to themselves or others. But these patterns persist, in part, because harmful behavior is rewarded in some way.

For example, procrastinating—in the short term—wards off the anxiety related to a task that requires your attention. Our brain immediately processes that reward of not feeling anxious. In order to break this habit, it requires the individual to develop the capacity to tolerate feeling a manageable amount of anxiety in order to learn that procrastinating actually causes a greater degree of anxiety in the long term.

Examine the context of your habit

Identify the situational and emotional triggers associated with the habit you want to change. This will help you with understanding the goal of your habit.

For example, many habits are formed as a means of coping with anxiety, anger or even boredom. Once you’re able to accurately identify the emotional needs the habit is trying to satisfy, you can then work on developing ways to satisfy your emotional needs with adaptive and healthy behaviors.

Regression is normal

It’s common to return to our old habits even when we’re working hard to change them. Learn to be compassionate with yourself when you make a mistake.

Seek professional help

Change is hard, especially when you’re working to change behaviors that have been a part of you for a long time.

Getting assistance from a professional can help with gaining a deeper understanding of the behavior you want to change and why the behavior originally developed.