Coping with Grief and Loss

UNDERSTANDING THE GRIEVING PROCESS
     Inevitably all of us will experience losing a loved one or losing something very dear to us. Shock, anger, and guilt, emotions commonly experienced with loss, can be painful, difficult, and even surprising to some. While these feelings can be frightening and overwhelming, it is important to know they are normal reactions to loss. Grief is a natural response to having someone or something important taken away from us and grief is the emotional suffering one actually feels. Grief is most commonly associated with the death of a loved one but any loss can cause grief
such as:

-The break-up of a cherished relationship.

-Loss of health.

-Loss associated with aging.

-Loss of a friendship.

-Loss of a cherished and important personal dream.


STAGES OF GRIEF

     Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross's groundbreaking book, "On Death and Dying", introduced what has become known as the "five stages of grief". Her book was based on her pioneer study of terminally ill patients' experiences facing their own death. The five stages are as follows:

-Denial: "It's not true."

-Anger: "Who or what is to blame for my loss."

-Bargaining: "Make this better and I will in return do___."

Depression: "I'm too sad to take care of myself and anything or anyone else."

Acceptance: "I am at peace with my loss and accept it as part of my life."

     While there is no prescribed right or wrong way to grieve and right or wrong way to move through the five stages of grief as defined by Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, there are in fact healthier ways to cope with loss. Accepting your feelings and giving yourself permission to feel whatever it is you feel is pertinent to one's healing. For example, grief that is expressed and experienced has a potential for healing that can eventually strengthen and even enrich one's life. Emotions related to grieving that are repressed can cause one to get "stuck" in a stage of grieving and block one from healing and eventually accepting the loss. If feelings of grief and loss are repressed for long periods, grieving can get more severe over time rather than diminishing. When this happens grief may become what is termed "complicated grief" or major depression. With complicated grief one has trouble accepting the reality of the death or loss long after it has occurred and may even become so preoccupied with his loss that his grief significantly disrupts daily life and negatively impacts other relationships.

TIPS FOR COPING WITH LOSS

-Acknowledge your feelings.

-Express your sadness to a loved one and a friend you feel especially close to. If you prefer to keep your feelings to yourself write about them in a journal.

-Take care of your physical health. Feeling good physically helps with feeling better emotionally.

-Be compassionate with yourself. Try not to tell yourself how you think you should feel and resist allowing others to tell you how they think you should feel.

-Plan ahead for difficult times of the year that can cause surges in grief, such as special anniversaries, holidays, or birthdays. Prepare yourself emotionally for these events by talking about your feelings and concerns with a relative or friend who will be at the event.

WHEN TO SEEK PROFESSIONAL HELP

     If you think you are experiencing complicated grief or clinical depression it is important to seek professional treatment right away. Untreated complicated grief can lead to severe feelings of depression and worthlessness, thoughts of suicide, an inability to perform normal daily activities, and feelings of disconnection from loved ones. Treatment can help with accepting the reality of the loss and has the potential to even enrich one's life.

This article was written by Paula Durlofsky, Ph.D., a practicing psychologist in Bryn Mawr, PA. Send comments or questions to drpauladurlofsky@gmail.com or call 484-431-8710. Please visit my web site at  www.drpauladurlofsky.com to learn more about me and my practice.

Coping With Adult ADD/ADHD.

Understanding ADD/ADHD In Adults:

     Attention Deficit Disorder is not just a childhood psychological disorder. Adults with ADD/ADHD often have lives that seem disorganized, chaotic, and out of control.
They are often bouncing from one activity to another, and exhibit difficulty staying focused and attending to daily, mundane tasks. They often have trouble keeping appointments, are forgetful, impulsive, and reactive in their behaviors and responses to others. Adults with ADD/ADHD have similar signs and symptoms to that of children diagnosed with the same disorder. Adults struggling with ADD/ADHD commonly experience the following symptoms:

1.Difficulty staying focused and paying attention, such as when reading or listening to others.

2.Struggling to complete tasks, even ones that seem simple.

3.Have a tendency to overlook details, leading to errors or incomplete work.

4.Poor listening skills; difficulty remembering conversations and following directions.

5."Zoning Out" without being aware of it, even while in the middle of a conversation.

6. Extreme distractibility; wandering attention and not staying on track.

7. Poor Executive Functioning; inability to make decisions, poor planning, and poor organizational skills.

     In addition to the symptoms listed above, adults diagnosed with Hyperactivity and Attention Deficit Disorder suffer from impulsivity, trouble inhibiting their behaviors, comments, and responses to others. They often act before thinking, or react without considering the consequences of their behaviors. Interrupting others, blurting out comments, and rushing through tasks are tell tale signs of hyperactivity and impulsivity.

     Consequently, as a result of their poor organizational skills, poor executive functioning capacities, poor time management strategies, and difficulty modulating strong negative emotions such as anger and frustration, adults with ADD/ADHD often underachieve and find it difficult to reach their full potential. They commonly experience long-term career difficulties and relationship problems. They are also vulnerable to having a co-diagnosis of depression, generalized anxiety disorder, and substance abuse, all of which exacerbate, worsen, and complicate their original ADD/ADHD symptoms.

Self-Help for adults with ADD/ADHD:

     Having a comprehensive understanding of ADD/ADHD challenges and with the help of structured strategies can help individuals make real positive changes. Many adults with ADD/ADHD have found effective ways to manage their symptoms and lead productive, satisfying, and meaningful lives.

1. Exercise and eat healthy foods. Avoid foods that have stimulating effects such as caffeine and sugar.

2. Get plenty of rest. Aim for getting 7-8 hours of sleep every night.

3. Work on maintaining your social relationships. Schedule time with family and friends. Maintaining social relationships can also prevent depression and feelings of social isolation.

4. Improve time management skills by setting deadlines for all your activities. Using timers and setting alarm clocks can be helpful for staying on track and remaining focused.

When to seek outside help for adult ADD/ADHD:
If symptoms of ADD/ADHD persist despite self-help efforts, it is likely time to seek professional help. Therapy for adults with ADD/ADHD include the following treatment options:

1. Talk Therapy. This type of treatment can help individuals cope with the emotional issues that often co-exist with ADD/ADHD. Feelings of low self esteem, failure,embarrassment and shame can be resolved with psychodynamic-psychotherapy.

2. Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy. This type of therapy examines the relationship between thoughts and behaviors. Many adults with ADD/ADHD suffer from depression, anxiety, and general feelings of demoralization stemming from years of
unmet goals and expectations. Working on transforming negative thoughts can consequently produce positive outcomes and improve self-esteem. Cognitive-Behavioral therapy also focuses on educating adults with ADD/ADHD about practical strategies to improve their attention, executive functioning, work performance, and relationships.

3. Medications. Medications such as Adderall and Concerta have been found to improve concentration and control impulsive behaviors associated with this disorder.

If you or a loved is struggling with symptoms of ADD/ADHD speak with a professional in order to be properly assessed and effectively treated. Adult ADD/ADHD is a treatable condition and when treated effectively one is able to live a satisfying and meaningful life.

This article was written by Paula Durlofsky, Ph.D. I am a licensed practicing psychologist in Bryn Mawr, PA. and affiliated with the Bryn Mawr Hospital. For questions or comments regarding this article I can be contacted at drpauladurlofsky@gmail.com or by phone at 484-431-8710. Please visit my web site at www.drpauladurlofsky.com to learn more about me and my practice.

Midlife Crisis: Transition or Depression?

Midlife is often a time of contradictions. On the one hand, many psychologists have defined midlife, like adolescence, as a time of 'Sturm und Drang'. While others believe individuals in midlife have fewer psychological symptoms, higher levels of marital satisfaction, and in general better life satisfaction. The term 'Midlife Crisis' was first identified by the psychologist Carl Jung and is considered by many professionals to be a normal part of emotional maturing. Individuals who experience a midlife crisis are commonly in their late 30's or 40's. Some of the feelings experienced during a midlife crisis include:

-Discontent with life and /or the lifestyle that may have provided happiness
for many years.
-Boredom with things/people that have hitherto held great interest and
dominated your life.
-Feeling adventurous and wanting to do something completely different.
-Questioning the meaning of life, and the validity of decisions clearly
and easily made years before.
-Confusion about who you are, or where your life is going.

Some studies suggest the issues underlying a midlife crisis are different for men and women. For example, it is thought that men experience midlife depression resulting from anxiety related to their mortality. Men become overly concerned about their health and have exacerbated fears surrounding death and dying. For women,it has been hypothesized that their midlife depression stems from feelings of anxiety related to a sense of emptiness(especially for those whom have spent the majority of their 30's and 40's raising children), mourning their fading physical beauty, physical and emotional effects of menopause, and coping with their changing roles as a mother and wife. Regardless of the assumptions underlying the manifestations of midlife depression, and the differences between men and women, midlife transitions and the emotions that go along with them can be scary for many. Both men and women may experience urges and desires that are uncharacteristic of them and therefore some people are at risk for engaging in risky behaviors that can cause damaging consequences, such as divorcing their spouse of many years, engaging in an affair, or going into debt while pursuing an irrational goal.

It is important to realize that a midlife crisis does not have to result in destructive behaviors and ruined relationships, it can also be seen as a time of transformation and a chance to improve one's life. Desires and feelings that manifest during a midlife crisis can be the result of one suppressing their personal growth and true potential. Denying these feelings and desires for change in one's life is what exacerbates the crisis and applying old solutions to present problems does not allow space for one to grow and create new life philosophies and/or life styles, the very thing a life transformation is all about. However, when a crisis results in significant depression, loss of normal function, and/or destructive behaviors one should consider seeking help from a professional. Talking with a professional can help one move from a midlife crisis to a midlife transformation.

This article was written by Paula Durlofsky, Ph.D. I am a practicing licensed psychologist in Bryn Mawr, Pa. For questions or comments regarding this article please email me at drpauladurlofsky@gmail.com. You may also contact me at my office:
484-431-8710 and please visit my web site at www.drpauladurlofsky.com.