EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE--ONE OF OUR MOST IMPORTANT RESOURCES

       Did you ever think back on some of the important decisions you made in your life and wonder "What was I thinking?" or "Did I really do that and why?". It could be that not using  your emotional intelligence may be to blame for those bad decisions and actions. Emotional Intelligence has become the new catch phrase for self-awareness. Emotional Intelligence  (EQ) is essentially the ability to identify, use, understand, and manage emotions in an effective and positive way. A high EQ helps individuals to communicate better, reduce their anxiety and stress, defuse conflicts, improve relationships, empathize with others, and helps with effectively being able to overcome life's challenges. Our emotional intelligence profoundly impacts the quality of our life since EQ  profoundly influences how we behave and the quality of our relationships. EQ is synonymous with self-awareness because self-awareness, as with EQ, enables us to live our lives with intention, purpose, and autonomy.

     Many of us move through life making important decisions based on our current circumstances that many  of us perceive are beyond our ability to change in the first place-- therefore limiting our options and solutions. Taking the time to reflect upon how we “feel” about our decisions and examining “why” we decide to do what we do enables us to lead lives that are determined by our conscious intentions rather than circumstances alone.
    
     Developing self-awareness and/or EQ can greatly influence our success in life. This is not to say that our personal situations and/or our intelligence are not factors as well, however EQ and self-awareness can profoundly impact our choices by creating options we may not have otherwise imaged or considered to be possibilities for us in the first place.  Below are some ways in which you can cultivate and increase your EQ:  

1.      Self-awareness. This is the ability to label, recognize, and understand your own emotions. Self-awareness requires us to “tune in” to our feelings and not avoid our negative emotions such as anxiety, fear and sadness. Recognizing our own emotional states and how they affect our thoughts, behaviors, and decisions is the key to cultivating self-awareness.

2.      Emotional-regulation. Emotional-regulation has to do with our ability to control strong emotions by “not acting on” raw feelings in an impulsive or destructive manner. Developing the ability to “sit with” unpleasant feelings and to give our self the time and space to decide how we may alleviate or reduce negative feelings cultivates self-confidence in our ability to make thoughtful and intentional decisions. Emotional-regulation also helps us develop the ability to consider various solutions to a particular situation/problem. Not reacting solely from an emotionally charged state results in better decision-making outcomes.

3.      Empathy. When we empathize with others we develop deeper and more intimate relationships. Empathy is the ability to recognize how and why people feel the way they do. Empathy allows us to anticipate how our actions and behaviors influence other people as well as our own. Developing empathy skills enhances our experiences, relationships, and general understanding of ourselves, other people and the world around us.

4.      Social skills. This is a very broad term. In general having strong social skills means having the ability to communicate in a clear, concise, and courteous manner. In a nutshell, good social skills is the summation of all of the components of EQ; self-awareness, emotional-regulation, and empathy.

I would like to hear from you. What are your thoughts about EQ? Do you feel EQ is important? How to you think EQ can help improve your life and/or relationships?

 

Self-Esteem--What It Is and How To Raise Your's

     Have you ever wondered what self-esteem actually is? Have you ever thought you had low self-esteem? And, have you ever wondered what you could do to raise your self-esteem?

     Self-esteem is a psychological term that defines our general evaluation of our overall worth as an individual. These evaluations are based on our own personal judgements of ourselves and the type of attitudes we have about ourselves. For example our beliefs about our competency (I am a worthy individual and I have belief in my abilities or I am not smart and not good at anything). Self-esteem also encompasses the emotions we feel about ourselves, for example feelings of pride and triumph or feelings of despair and shame. In a nutshell, self-esteem is the judgements and emotions about who we are and our beliefs about how others perceive us. When our overarching evaluations are negative, we experience low self-esteem. We feel discouraged, undeserving, and unworthy. Conversely, we have high self-esteem when we have positive self-evaluations; we feel worthy, valued and encouraged. Self-esteem also affects the way we behave and the manner in which we relate to others (i.e. compassionate and empathetic or defensive and judgemental).

     Self-esteem is influenced by our early life experiences. In childhood parents have the most influence on shaping self-esteem. The more positive early experiences we have the greater the chance we will develop a healthy degree of self-esteem as children and adults. Numerous books and several studies have been conducted that suggest parents who give their children unconditional love, a consistent sense of being cared for and respect raise children who have high self-esteem. Negative childhood experiences that cause low self-esteem would include being harshly criticized, humiliation, being sexually or emotionally abused, being ignored, and/or being expected to be "perfect" at all times.

     There are numerous self-report inventories that assess self-esteem. However, a formal "test" is not always necessary to evaluate your own level of self-esteem. Instead, set aside time to really think about and understand how you define yourself, and how you evaluate yourself. If you find you are excessively focused on your performance, make negative self-comments, have a fear of trying new things and relate to others in either a clingy or overly independent manner, you may have low self-esteem. This leads to the question--How can one raise his or her self-esteem? Below are some suggestions:

1. Broaden your self-definition. Try not to be overly critical of yourself or demand to be perfect. Working toward developing an ability to be patient with yourself and others, developing self-compassion, expressing emotions and being open to trying varied interests and new activities  are BIG steps towards raising your self-esteem.

2. While an occasional self-disparaging comment every now and then is normal, recurrent and chronic negative comments about one's self is a symptom of low self-esteem. We all have our strengths and weaknesses. And just like we cannot all be great at everything the opposite is also true--we CANNOT all be bad at everything. Generalizing negative beliefs about ourselves inhibits us from having a realistic picture of our true abilities. Take time out to think of a few things you have are not "terrible" at and may even enjoy doing. Most likely your list will be longer than you expected. Make a plan to further develop these skills and interests in order to gain a greater sense of pride and competency.

3. Develop relationships that have a healthy dependency. When we feel a combination of both connection and independence in our relationships we have established a healthy dependency. These types of relationships empower us to take risks, to venture out and explore new relationships and interests AND at the same time to feel connected and close to the important people in our lives.

4. Seek professional help. Therapy can help to raise your self-esteem in a supportive and emotionally secure environment.

I would like to hear from you. What are your thoughts about self esteem? Have you been able to raise your self-esteem? How? Do you or a loved one have low self-esteem and don't know what to do about it? Share some ideas you have for helping people raise their self-esteem.

Taking Back Control:How Not To Be A Victim

          All of us have felt victimized at some point or another in our lives. At these times we may feel  taken advantage of, wronged by another person and/or circumstance, or that life is simply just unfair. The victim stance is a powerful one. The victim believes he/she is always morally right, is not responsible or accountable for their actions, and is entitled to sympathy from others.  Individuals with a victim mentality feel that others are generally luckier or happier then they themselves are. They blame other's or institutions for their misfortunes, ascribe unfounded negative intentions to other people, and may even experience pleasure derived from feeling sorry for themselves. They are self-abasing by putting themselves down due to underlying low self-esteem, inadequacy, and depression. Chronic negative self-evaluations produce feelings of hopelessness and helplessness--a vicious cycle that perpetuates and underlies the victim mentality. Ultimately, individuals may maintain a victim mentality because they are afraid of taking responsibility for their own wants and desires and they have a fear of failure. They unconsciously believe they are not deserving of having good things in their life.

     It is possible to change the victim mentality since it is a learned behavior that usually begins in early childhood and learned behaviors can be unlearned. Young children are helpless and vulnerable and they rely on their caregivers for daily support. Some young children only receive positive reinforcement and emotional support when they elicite sympathy from distant caregivers. In these cases, having a victim mentality is reinforced because it is successful. However, in the long term being a victim takes away our individual power and potential.

    Transitioning from a victim mentality to a "taking back control" mentality requires understanding and examining the underlying psychological issues contributing to the victim mentality in the first place. Research studying the psychology of victim hood suggests that individuals with a victim mentality have difficulty expressing and processing negative emotions, such as anger, fear, and disappointment as well as difficulty with taking responsibility for their desires and actions. This results in feeling hopelessness and helplessness-an all too familiar feeling for individuals struggling with the victim mentality. Effective treatment focuses on helping individuals become aware of what they are doing that actually sustains their inability to take control of their life and helps them to see situations and relationships from many perspectives in order to expand their options for problem solving thereby decreasing feelings of powerlessness. Treatment also focuses on empowering individuals to take responsibility for their own desires and long-term actions and ultimately to feel deserving of all the good life has to offer them.

Below are a few tips to help you take back control:

1. Make a list of your desires and goals. Writing your goals and desires down is the first step towards taking ownership of your life. You have your own purpose and life destiny to fulfill. Others do not have a right to interfere with that process. It's your journey and yours alone.

2. Choose one goal and create a plan for achieving it. Allowing yourself the opportunity to take risks in order to achieve your goal is one way to NOT be a victim.

3. Be honest with yourself and examine what you may be doing that unintentionally places you in the victim role. For example, do you blame other's for negative outcomes because you may be too afraid of making a mistake, taking responsibility, or of asserting yourself?

4. Take time out on a daily basis to do something you enjoy and want to do.

5.Consider psychotherapy to develop a healthier self-concept. Developing a healthier self-concept will help to decrease feelings of helplessness and hopelessness and help you to live a fuller, more satisfying, and genuine life.


We want to hear from you. Do you consider yourself a victim? What do you do to perpetuate the victim role? Have you overcome the victim mindset? What have you done to overcome it? Do you have suggestions to share to help others?

This post was written by Dr. Paula Durlofsky. My office is located at 14 Elliott Avenue in Bryn Mawr, Pa. To find out more about me and my practice, please visit my web site at www.drpauladurlofsky.com. This fall I will be starting psychotherapy groups for individuals struggling with the victim mentality. To learn more about how group therapy can help please contact me at  484-431-8710 or by email at drpauladurlofsky@gmail.com