Do You Text and Tell? Flirty behavior through technology can lead to deception, secrets and betrayal.

     Emotional affairs often start out as innocent friendships. Email, texting, instant messaging, and social media sites are never "closed for business" so communicating with others is a 24 hour /7day a week opportunity. This makes it easy for innocent friendships to heat-up fast. Once casual communications turn into flirty texting banter, obsessions develop around the next communication with this person, feelings of marital dissatisfaction are discussed, and these communications are kept secret from your partner, the line between innocent friendship and emotional affair has been crossed.
An emotional affair is an "affair of the heart" and is predicated upon the attachment two individuals create outside their marriage or relationship. A deep attachment develops by sharing intimate thoughts, feelings, and vulnerabilities and by relying on one another for emotional support and companionship. Many people convince themselves that because sex is not involved, they are not having an affair. But they are. Affairs, whether emotional or sexual, involve secrecy, deception and betrayal. The more emotional energy put into the other person the less there is for your partner and your relationship. Often the most devastating aspect of an emotional affair is the deep attachment that develops with this other person. This attachment is tough competition for your marriage or relationship.

     Emotional affairs generally happen when something is lacking in our relationship or within ourselves. In regards to relationships, not feeling important, desired or understood is often a trigger. Being able to connect with another person who seem to fill these voids feels good, and it's these good feelings that keep the emotional affair going. On an individual level, the emotional affair may be warding off feelings of low self-esteem and inadequacy. It's important to note that most affairs, sexual or emotional, do not end well. And when given the chance to be legitimate, often do not survive.


Below are 4 tips for healing from an emotional affair


1. Take responsibility for the emotional affair by being honest with yourself and your partner. We all make mistakes and do things we may regret. Once we no longer deny we are engaging in behaviors that are hurtful and damaging to us, genuine change, healing and understanding can take place.
2. Terminate the relationship. This will be difficult because an attachment has been made. Emotions and thoughts associated with mourning and loss should be expected. And as with any significant loss, will take time to heal from.
3. Be open to marital therapy. Marital therapy can help identify what is missing in your present relationship and the steps you can take as a couple to make your relationship better. Marital therapy can also help with exploring whether to continue or terminate your relationship.
4. Consider individual therapy. Underlying and unresolved issues surrounding intimacy can contribute to one's vulnerability to becoming involved in an emotional affair. Whether repairing your present relationship or considering a new relationship; exploring and understanding the underlying factors associated with the emotional affair will help with achieving genuinely satisfying and fulfilling future relationships and maybe even affair proof ones too.

Speed Bump Ahead! Tips for Making A Smooth Transition To Hectic Fall Days

 

     Transitioning to the hectic schedule of fall from the lazy, hazy days of summer can be just as stressful for parents as it is for kids. It is not uncommon for people and families to experience a growing sense of anxiety over getting back into the busy school and work routine.  Change of any kind can create anxiety so it is not unexpected that huge changes in our schedule would make us feel anxious too.

     Transitions are hard; they represent the reality that our lives and circumstances are continually changing, evolving and transforming. And when there is change there is also loss, the loss of what it is we are leaving behind.  Children get older and so do we. Many families for the first time this fall will experience a child going off to kindergarten, high school, college, and some will be first time empty nesters. When we process loss we gain the ability to fully embrace life’s inevitable changes and processing loss prevents us from feeling “stuck” or “stalled” in our lives as well.

     Many people and families experience loss at the start of a new year related to spending less time together, having less personal freedom and having a less flexible schedule. Becoming aware of situations and events that are likely to increase your and your families stress levels will help to actively manage anticipated anxiety and promote healthy coping behaviors. Learning to plan ahead and being able to discuss your emotions about change and loss with loved ones is important since chronic stress and depression negatively impacts our emotional health and contributes to depression, substance abuse, and even physical illness.  

Below are tips for making your transition to fall smoother:

1.      Get a full night’s sleep. A minimum of 7-8 hours of sleep per night helps to regulate mood, decrease anxiety and depression, and improves concentration.

2.      Set realistic goals for you and your family. Avoid over scheduling your family and you. Ease into active days by slowly adding activities for both your child and you as the year progresses.

3.      As a family sit down and openly discuss concerns about the up-coming year. This may include sorting out conflicts with schedules, carpools, and mealtimes.

4.      Make sure to schedule consistent “family time” during the busy week. Maintaining a deep sense of connection with those we love combats stress, depression and anxiety. And it’s a great way to add love and laughter to your new year.

5.      Give yourself a break too! Set aside time for relaxing and decompressing from the busy, hectic days of fall.

SS

Marital and Relationship Happiness--Keys To Success

        

     

     Let's be honest, relationships are hard work. They demand a lot from us and the quality of our relationships greatly predicts our degree of happiness in life. So working on cultivating and sustaining healthy relationships is VERY important for us to do. However, the majority of relationships do not last. Current divorce statistics report 45-50% of marriages end in divorce with second and third marriages having even higher divorce rates.

     Nourishing a relationship requires us to be thoughtful, caring, compassionate, loving and also mindful of how our behaviors and expressions impact the other person.  Conflicts are bound to happen at some point during any relationship; there will be tough times when one or both individuals feel hurt, frustrated, angry, or let down by the other. Social scientists have found that how couples navigate the tough times and just as importantly the good times is a major predictor of relationship success. Kindness was found to be the biggest factor associated with fulfilling relationships. Not only is kindness important in the couple's day to day interactions but also when couples argue. Kindness during periods of conflict is determined by the couples ability to express their anger, upset and frustration without personal attacks. Kindness not only improves the quality of our relationships it also improves our own emotional well being. When we feel better about ourselves our relationships reap the benefits. And an environment of kindness naturally fosters feelings of emotional security and safety; essential ingredients for a successful relationship.

     Not surprisingly, personal criticism of each other was most associated with unhappy relationships.  Personal attacks can have lasting and devastating consequences on a relationship and it leads to feelings of contempt and resentment. Learning to be kind to each other and being mindful of our partner's feelings is the foundation needed for building strong, healthy relationships.

 Below are tips for cultivating kindness in your relationship:

1. Compliment your partner.

On a daily basis tell your partner something you liked that he or she did either that day or did recently. Research shows that when couples regularly express their gratitude to each other they remind themselves of their partner's good qualities and what attracted them to each other in the first place. Complimenting your partner on a daily basis provides a healthy dose of sparkle and helps keep a couple together over the long haul.


2. Learn to compromise.

Couples that are able to compromise have a better of chance of staying together and be happier in their relationships. Just to be clear, there is a big difference between compromise and sacrifice; which means means giving up something completely for the sake of your partner. Sacrificing creates contention and resentment. Compromise, on the other hand, requires an understanding of your partner's ideas, opinions, and knowing what is important to him or her and why. This information is helpful for negotiating compromises with our partner. It prevents us from feeling "pushed" or "controlled", the type of feelings that often inhibit productive compromises and lead to power struggles instead.


3. Remember no one is perfect.

No one is perfect or good at everything they do. We all make mistakes and bound to hurt and/or disappoint our partner at one time or another. Accepting this reality helps us to have the capacity to forgive and to resolve conflicts when they arise rather then harbor contempt and resentment, only to be brought up at a later time.



4. Communicate, communicate, communicate.

 Although the idea of our partner being someone who "fully gets us" sounds ideal, no one can actually read our minds. Learning to communicate by actively listening to your partner and using "I" statements, especially when discussing emotional topics, feelings and expectations, fosters an environment of mutual understanding and respect. When we feel understood by our partner, even when they disagree with us, genuine feelings of connection and caring are felt. All of which decreases the chances for couples to have emotionally damaging arguments.