LET GO OF SHAME FOR A HAPPIER YOU

Let’s be honest: we’ve all done things that we’re ashamed of. Shame is a universal human emotion. Social psychologists say that a healthy dose of shame, when rightfully felt, is crucial to our survival. It keeps us on track for behaving in “socially appropriate” ways so we maintain our relationships and repair them when necessary.

However, chronic and unnecessary feelings of self-directed shame can be exhausting and paralyzing. Shame of this kind is typically rooted in deep-seated feelings of inferiority, inadequacy and defectiveness and the degree to which these shameful feelings are felt usually do not match the reality of the situation that caused them in the first place.

It’s important to know the difference between feelings of shame and feelings of guilt. Guilt reflects emotions related to doing something wrong or bad, whereas shame reflects feeling fundamentally bad about yourself regardless of the situation or circumstance. Those struggling with deep-seated feelings of shame tend to withdrawal and hide from the world, only to be left feeling even lonelier and rejected.

Overcoming shame and rebuilding self-esteem and self-love takes time and patience—but it can be done. Below are a few strategies that could help get you started.

Practice self-compassion

We are more likely to be critical of ourselves when we feel shame, but harsh self-talk only intensifies our shameful feelings and is in no way helpful. Practicing self-compassion is a good way to stop shameful feelings from spiraling out of control. Practice self-compassion daily by treating yourself as you would a friend, with a focus on developing an inner dialogue that is kind, caring, and loving.

Avoid situations and people that trigger feelings of shame

Work on being able to identify situations in which you feel shame and, when possible, avoid them. There may be people in our lives that we notice reinforce or trigger our feelings of shame. When this happens it is usually a warning sign of a dysfunctional relationship. Seeking marital or family counseling should be helpful with addressing dysfunctional dynamics and teaching new ways of relating that foster love, respect and compassion.

Avoid heaping on unnecessary layers of shame

We all experience feelings of shame. After all, we’re only human. Give yourself the permission to feel shame when you feel it. Avoid heaping more amounts of hurt and shame onto yourself by being harsh and self-critical about your feelings in the first place. When we accept our feeling we stop fighting against them and therefore giving ourselves the emotional space to begin the work of understanding and addressing the underlying causes of our shame.

Dr. Paula Durlofsky is a psychologist in private practice in Bryn Mawr, whose practice focuses on psychological issues affecting individuals, couples and families. She is affiliated with Bryn Mawr Hospital and Lankenau Medical Center.

FIVE SIGNS YOU MAY BE CO-DEPENDENT AND TIPS FOR CHANGING IT

 

Simply stated, co-dependency describes a dynamic in which one person enables and supports another person’s dysfunctional behavior or poor emotional health like alcohol or substance abuse, immaturity, irresponsibility and under achievement. 

 It’s important to acknowledge that having dependency needs is healthy and normal.  In mature and healthy relationships, people are able to comfortably rely upon one another for support, understanding and help while at the same time retaining a sense of independence and autonomy. And this dynamic is reciprocated, not just one sided. Healthy dynamics between people fosters independence, resourcefulness and resiliency. While co-dependent dynamics stifles and limits growth.

   Recently, psychologists and other mental health workers have learned that codependent behaviors also contribute to the formation of dysfunction families in general and not just families struggling with addiction or substance abuse.  So addressing codependency behaviors in treatment is crucial for helping ALL families get healthy and back on track.

Common behaviors and signs associated with co-dependency are as follows:

1.    Need for excessive approval from other people.

2.    Organizing thoughts and behaviors around others’ perceived expectations and desires.

3.    Overly defined sense of responsibility of others’  happiness and emotional well-being.

4.    Inability to express one’s true thoughts and feelings for fear it will upset others.

5.    One’s identity and self-esteem is dependent on other’s approval and assumed expectations.

     Codependency is a learned behavior and can be changed. Below are a few ways in which you can begin to change co-dependent behaviors:

1.    Awareness.  Keep and journal for writing down co-dependent behaviors and the situations in which they are most prevalent. For example, when someone appears to be struggling do you automatically jump in to help or rescue? Do you help to the extent that your own emotional and physical needs are put on the back burner? Codependent behaviors in part are normal feelings of responsibility and compassion gone awry.

2.     Boundaries. Setting healthy boundaries is crucial for changing co-dependent behaviors. Being able to say NO without feeling guilty, anxious or afraid is what having healthy boundaries feels like. This is challenging for co-dependents since pleasing others’ is crucial to their sense of self, so saying NO is scary and anxiety producing. Have a clear sense of the boundaries that feel right to you and write them down. Place this list in an area of your home where you can regularly read it. This will help reinforce your boundaries and make them more conscious to for you. Be prepared by knowing that upholding your boundaries at first will be difficult at best. Have a plan in place for coping with these difficult feelings by making sure you’re making time to take care for yourself during this transition.

3.     Entitled. Feeling entitled to having your own thoughts, feelings, and opinions (even when others’ do not agree or feel the same way) is important for breaking co-dependent behaviors. Co-dependent behaviors are formed and reinforced by internal pressure to pleasing others’ therefore the co-dependent person has not developed their own identity or individuality.  Working on developing an authentic sense of self and healthy entitlement increases self-esteem and self-respect, both of which act as a buffer against continuing co-dependent behaviors.  

4. Therapy. Co-dependency is a set of behaviors and beliefs about one’s self and others’ that forms in early childhood. Talking with a professional helps with better understanding one’s unique reasons for developing co-dependent behaviors and once fully understood lowers the chance of developing future co-dependent relationships and increase the chances for having mutually satisfying and healthy relationships.

RACE TO THE POLLS: THIS ELECTION SEASON, KEEP CALM AND CARRY ON WITH THESE FIVE TIPS

Elections aren’t just stressful for the candidates—they can leave voters feeling anxious, angry or even hopeless. The 2016 election in particular has proven to be controversial and contentious, compounded by the sometimes-overwhelming news cycle, which beings at least 18 months prior. 

Political beliefs are largely shaped by our upbringing. Most people share the political views of their parents. These core values make up a large portion of our individual personalities. When friends challenge our political beliefs, it’s difficult not to feel attacked. Emotionally charged interactions can easily be triggered when discussing politics with those whose political views differ. Even encountering a post on social media can prompt anxiety.

Maintain your sanity this election season with these five tips:

1. Limit exposure to election news. Psychologists recommend getting your election news from a credible newspaper, rather than online media or TV, which are sometimes sensationalized. 

2. Temporarily unfollow friends who post election news or opinions. At least through the election cycle.

3. Avoid heated political discussions. Let friends, family and co-workers know you’d rather not participate.

4. Do things you enjoy. Presidential elections can be emotionally exhausting. The more engaged you are, the more likely you’ll feel fatigued, anxious or depressed. Give your brain and body time to relax and recharge.

5. Accept that some things are beyond your control. Consider ways to prepare emotionally, should the next president be one you didn’t support.