Letting go of life's little stressors

MAIN LINE HEALTH APRIL 10, 2017 WELLNESS ARTICLES BY PAULA DURLOFSKY, PHD

Letting go is hard. We can all relate to having “one of those days” filled with unexpected disappointments and stressors, like last-minute changes to our schedule, a missed appointment, conflicts with family, friends or co-workers, or a plan that didn’t work out like we had hoped. But acknowledging the anger, frustration and sadness, caused by these minor everyday disappointments and stressors is very important and necessary for letting go.  

Holding on to negative feelings for too long can wreak havoc on our relationships and overall life. Pent-up emotions can take their toll on us emotionally and physically—it contributes to anxiety and mood disorders, obsessive- compulsive disorders and substance abuse.  A number of studies have also found a correlation between chronic stress and an increased risk in cardiac disease, high-blood pressure and some cancers.  

There’s no doubt that letting go is hard since it means accepting the reality that many events in life are beyond our control. Understanding and accepting what we cannot change verses what we can change or re-negotiate in our daily life is crucial for being able to let go of the small stuff. 

Below are five tips to help you cultivate the art of letting go of life’s daily disappointments and stressors:

• Acknowledge your feelings: No matter how minor a disappointment or stressor may seem to you, it’s important to acknowledge your feelings. Calling a friend or relative to let off some steam can quickly reduce the intensity of anger, frustration and sadness. Small stressors that go unacknowledged and unexpressed pile up and, at some point, begin to take their toll.
• Put the disappointment into perspective: Putting some degree of emotional distance between yourself and the circumstance can help. Ask yourself, “What would I say to a friend facing this problem?” “Would the event seem minor or moderate?” Putting things into perspective helps with gaining an understanding about whether or not your emotional reaction is helpful or necessary.
• Be patient with yourself: Acknowledging our feelings is work and can be emotionally draining, especially if it’s something new and unfamiliar to you.  Developing self-compassion takes time and patience. It’s an adaptive and necessary skill to have in order to lead a happier and healthier life.  
• Stick with it—it will be worth it. Find ways to quickly reduce your stress and anxiety: Find a stress reduction method that works for you. Mindfulness meditation, yoga and deep breathing have all been shown to be effective stress-reducing techniques
• Talk with a professional: Getting easily angry and harboring resentments makes living life harder than it ought to be. It’s usually a sign that a deeper issue needs to be addressed. Exploring underlying issues and learning how to talk about feelings helps can make letting go possible—and easier.

Dr. Paula Durlofsky is a psychologist in private practice in Bryn Mawr, whose practice focuses on psychological issues affecting individuals, couples and families. She is affiliated with Bryn Mawr Hospital and Lankenau Medical Center.

Stop the cycle of self-sabotage

MAIN LINE HEALTH JULY 12, 2017 WELLNESS ARTICLES BY PAULA DURLOFSKY, PHD

If you often find that, despite good intentions, your efforts are often backfiring, you may be unknowingly using self-sabotaging tactics and engaging in self-sabotaging behaviors.

Self-sabotaging behaviors are made up of a complex set of actions and thoughts that ruin our good intentions and negatively affect our relationships, employment, health, quality of life and emotional well-being. These self-sabotaging behaviors are usually learned in childhood through example and by modeling, and it is not uncommon for these behaviors to be passed down from one generation to the next.

It’s important to understand that since self-sabotaging behaviors are initially reinforced, in the short-term they allow temporary relief from feelings of anxiety and stress by means of avoidance, but in the long-term they lead to chronic depression, low self-esteem, substance abuse, poor interpersonal relationships, un-actualized life goals and stifles potential.

Examples of self-sabotaging behaviors and thoughts are:

• Agreeing to commitments and tasks that you’d like to say no to
• Procrastinating
• Neglecting your physical health (e.g., a poor diet, lack of exercise, abusing alcohol)
• Frequently lying to people in order to avoid a conflict
• Being impulsive with actions and feelings
• Believing and needed to always be right
• Not finishing projects or tasks you’ve started
• Focusing only on the negative aspects of your life or yourself

Although self-sabotaging behaviors can be difficult to let go of, it is not impossible. Instead, replace self-sabotaging behaviors with helpful, positive behaviors and thoughts.

Below are a few strategies to help you get out of the self-sabotage trap:

• Acknowledge that you engage in self-sabotaging behaviors and thoughts. The first step in addressing any issue is to acknowledge it. Acknowledging our struggles allows us to take personal responsibility for them and makes us aware that it is within our power to make life real and lasting changes.
• Identify when you most often use self-sabotaging tactics. Write down specific situations where you recognize you use self-defeating thoughts and behaviors. Identify the feelings you’re avoiding by using self-sabotaging tactics such as anxiety, fear of hurting someone else’s feelings or avoiding a conflict.
• Have a plan for challenging times. Take the time to brainstorm with a trusted friend, family member or a mental health professional in order to find alternative ways of responding to future challenging situations. It’s difficult for most people to think clearly when they are feeling anxious or stressed. Being prepared with healthy tactics when facing a challenging situation improves your chances for making changes.
• Seek professional help. Self-sabotage behaviors are complex and being able to actually change them may need the help of a professional. Together, exploring the underlying causes of one’s self-destructive behaviors can bring about the insights needed for lasting change and for leading a rewarding and enriched life.

Failure to launch: Adult children living at home and how to help them

MAIN LINE HEALTH MAY 9, 2017 WELLNESS ARTICLES BY PAULA DURLOFSKY, PHD

According to the most recent US Census Bureau report, 24 million adults ages 18–34 are still living at home with their parents. This could be for a variety of reasons—economic hardship, a difficult housing market, a competitive career landscape—but, whatever the reason, the truth is clear: it’s becoming more commonplace and acceptable to call your parents roommates.

While it may be more acceptable, this trend can lead to some unhealthy behavior. For some adult children living at home, the duration of their stay can be considered emotionally unhealthy and mean they have a “failure to launch.”

This term, failure to launch, describes the phenomenon of adult children remaining highly dependent upon their parents after college and beyond. The psychological and systematic factors underlying the failure to launch are complex and multifaceted.

It’s not uncommon for young adults navigating adult responsibilities to suffer from depression, anxiety, substance abuse and deep-seated feelings of isolation. Emotional issues often do not express themselves until late adolescence or young adulthood. Additionally, learning issues that were not detected earlier can also contribute to the underlying causes of an adult child’s struggle with functioning independently and autonomously.

But, at its core, failure to launch signifies a young adult’s struggle with his or her ability to be autonomous and to function independently from his/her parents.

Dr. Eli R. Lebowitz, a psychologist at the Yale Child Study Center at Yale University recommends the following strategies for parents of adult children who find themselves in a failure to launch situation to steer their child toward autonomy and independence:

Don’t be judgmental of yourself or your dependent adult child

Too often, parents and/or their overly dependent adult children are labeled as being lazy, selfish or overly indulgent. These types of remarks and criticism only bring about deeper feelings of shame, depression, isolation and anxiety for parents and children. In actuality, failure to launch is a multi-faceted and complicated situation.

Be compassionate with your child

It’s important to recognize that your dependent adult child likely is not enjoying their lack of autonomy independence. Ultimately, it is painful for anyone to watch their peers move on with their lives by starting careers, being in mature relationships and living independently. Understand that your child is likely not happy to be living at home, either.

Decrease accommodating behaviors that enable your child’s dependence

Some parents of dependent children continue to do all their laundry, cook their meals and clean their bedrooms. These behaviors may actually enable your child’s dependency upon you. Set up small goals aimed at helping your dependent child take on more personal responsibility for themselves. For example, expect them to prepare their own dinner, keep their room clean and pay a household utility bill if possible.

Don’t keep it secret

Keeping your and your child’s living situation a secret may intensify feelings of shame and failure. At some point in our lives, we all struggle. It’s important to appreciate our difficult times, not view them as something we are ashamed of. Seek support from family and friends about your situation

Get a mental health evaluation, for issues like depression and anxiety

It’s not uncommon for mental health issues to exhibit themselves in late adolescence or young adulthood. Some learning issues are not detected during a child’s high school years because of parental involvement and teacher supervision. So, it’s not uncommon for learning issues to become more apparent in situations where there are significant academic and organizational demands and little supervision.