4 Ways to Develop Frustration Tolerance 

Instead of being overwhelmed by emotions, learn to accept and react accordingly with these tips. 

BY DR. PAULA DURLOFSKY 

 

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For most, leading a balanced life—between work and play, time with loved ones, friends and for self-care—is the goal. But the realities of life make attaining that balance sometimes seem impossible.

Major life disruptions, like losing a loved one, going through a divorce, having a serious illness or losing a job, can be stressful and emotional. While some can manage those emotions well, for others, these changes create feelings of frustration and upset which can result in panic, anxiety and frantic attempts to restore order.

Low frustration tolerance can lead to chronic feelings of depression, anxiety and dissatisfaction, so it’s important to strengthen your ability to tolerate frustration. Doing so means you’ll be better equipped to deal with life’s unpredictability, ultimately helping you overcome obstacle. Optimal Frustration Tolerance, a term associated with Self-Psychology, has to do with our ability to manage feelings of frustration in ways that lead to emotional growth and the development of new coping skills.

Here are four ways to strengthen your frustration tolerance.

1. Accept feelings of frustration. Frustration is a normal human emotion. The more you fight it, the longer those feelings will linger.  
2. Ride out frustration. Sitting with our feelings before reacting is necessary for finding effective solutions to issues. Being emotionally overwhelmed can be a hindrance to finding those solutions.
3. Practice mindfulness. Frustration tolerance is a learned behavior. Mindfulness helps with being able to slow down your mind and body when feeling anxious. Ultimately, you’ll be in a better place to come up with better solutions to obstacles. 
4. Talk to a mental health professional. Therapy can be a great way to examine and improve frustration tolerance.

5 Ways to Digitally Detox 

Consider taking time off from your devices to boost mental and physical health. 

BY DR. PAULA DURLOFSKY 

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Fotolia//Farknot Architect

The average American spends more than 10 hours each day glued to their screens. It’s no wonder: A recent study by the Pew Research Center found that eight in 10 Americans have a Facebook profile, 32 percent have an Instagram account and 24 percent are on Twitter. By 2020, it’s predicted that worldwide social media users will reach 2.95 billion people.

Because of our connectivity, we spend an average of two hours every day sharing, liking, tweeting and updating on these platforms. Unsurprisingly, spending hours looking at our screens increases our risk for depression, anxiety and loneliness. Plus, we rob ourselves of time that could be used for personal and emotional development.

This season, kick the habit and try a digital detox.  

1. Catch up in person. Cultivating emotional intimacy is necessary for close relationships. It’s important to feel and see emotion face-to-face, not just through a digital filter. Although texting and messaging is useful, try finding a balance between in person and digital interactions.
2. Do something creative. Paint, draw, write or knit—just engage in creative activities. Doing so improves our mood and decreases anxiety. When you do these activities, you establish a flow, in which sense of time and space recedes and our concentration, enjoyment, energy and focus kicks into high gear. 
3. Connect with nature. Go for a walk, hike or run. Sitting in front of a screen for hours is not only bad for our health, it’s also bad for our emotional well-being. Studies show that just looking at flowers, trees and bodies of water dramatically improves mood, lowers anxiety and cultivates feelings of connection.
4. Be present. Living in the digital age means multi-tasking. Recent studies indicate a strong connection between multi-tasking, diminished concentration and higher levels of anxiety. Commit to practicing mindfulness meditation at least once a day while on a digital detox.
5. Set daily goals. Ask yourself what you’d like to achieve each day. In the digital age, we’re so focused on getting as much done as possible, that we forget to concentrate on the quality of each individual task we are undertaking and the way we feel while completing them.

Are You In a Relationship with a Narcissist?

Four tips for dealing with those with NPD. 

BY DR. PAULA DURLOFSKY 

 

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Does this scenario sound familiar:

“My dad is so self-centered. He only talks about himself; he’s never interested in what’s going on in my life or in my kids’ lives. He gets angry over the littlest misunderstandings.”

Or perhaps this scenario sounds like someone you know:

“Lately, when I’m with my girlfriend, I feel so alone. All she does is take selfies, posts them on social media, and then stares at her phone for hours to see how many likes or comments she gets.”

If either of those scenarios sound familiar, chances are you’re in a relationship with a narcissist. Being in a relationship with someone who has narcissist traits or been diagnosed by a mental health professional with narcissist personality disorder (NPD) can be difficult.

At the core of NPD is an inability to receive or give love. To be officially diagnosed with NPD, a person must demonstrate certain behaviors and attitudes, like a grandiose sense of self-importance, exaggerations of achievements and talents, and expectations of recognition and admiration.

Those with NPD often react with rage, hostility and aggression to criticism, whether real or imagined. They also struggle with empathy and are unable to recognize or identify others’ emotional needs.

Studies show that most people with NPD or those that have narcissistic characteristics rarely seek treatment. So how can you handle someone with these characteristics? Here are four tips to help navigate these relationships.

1. Don’t blame yourself. It’s not uncommon for those in a relationship with someone who has NPD to blame themselves for their loved one’s hurtful actions. Remember that he or she is internally struggling with feelings of shame and a fear of rejection.
2. Learn the signs, causes and symptoms of NPD. Knowing and understanding the signs, symptoms and causes of NPD can help prepare you for when your loved one is more challenging. It can also help you avoid unnecessary conflicts.
3. Have someone to talk to. Loving someone with NPD or features of the disorder is challenging. Having someone to talk is a form of self care. Consider joining a support group, talking with a mental health professional, or making time to talk to a close friend or family member.
4. Have a sense of humor. When appropriate, use humor when dealing with egocentric behaviors. Making a harmless joke, breaking into benign laughter or cracking a genuine smile can diffuse anger and hostility. 

Why We Hold Grudges and What to Do When Someone Has a Grudge Against You

By Paula Durlofsky, PhD
~ 2 min read 

Leah comes from of long line of grudge holders. She came into treatment because she was determined to learn how to talk about anger and work through conflicts.

“My house growing up was ALL drama. My older sister, younger brother and mother would constantly bicker and then not speak to one another for weeks if not months! They’d make up eventually, but a few weeks later it would happen all over again!”

When someone close to you has a grudge against you, it can make life miserable. And on the flip side, if you’re a person who is the grudge-holder, life can be even more miserable. Numerous studies and reports have shown that holding on to anger is bad for our emotional and physical health. Toxic anger contributes to cardiac illness, high blood pressure, substance abuse disorders, an inability to form and maintain relationships, loneliness, depression and anxiety just to name a few.

The All Good/All Bad Conundrum and Grudges

Why someone is more likely to be a grudge-holder than others is a complicated matter. But generally speaking, this behavior is based on multiple factors such as innate personality characteristics, childhood experiences with conflicts, hurts and anger, family dynamics and a tendency to see situations and people in an “all good” or “all bad” manner, all of which influences our behaviors, emotions and reactions. 

All good/all bad thinking doesn’t recognize the complexities and nuances of people and situations. So a person with a tendency for holding grudges is likely to draw the broad conclusion that whoever made them feel hurt or anger is responsible for the conflict, making that person completely wrong and totally “bad” from the grudge-holder’s perspective. Once the grudge-holder sees himself or herself as the victim, it creates deep feelings of powerlessness and hopelessness leading to a vicious cycle of hurt and resentment.

The Power of Acceptance

Is someone holding a grudge against you? It’s important to remember that the grudge-holder’s degree of anger and hurt can often be disproportionate to the actual event. The anger and hurt they feel about a present conflict is usually compounded with deep-seated hurts from the past. A simple apology usually isn’t enough smooth things out.

Here are some tips to help if someone is holding a grudge against you:

• Accept that you can’t change a grudge-holder’s perspective no matter how much you state your case and attempt to defend or explain yourself. Avoid going over and over again and in-depth discussing the situation that created the conflict in the first place with the grudge-holder. The less engagement around conflict with a grudge holder the better.
• Apologize. Although you may not agree with the grudge-holder’s beliefs, he or she is holding a grudge because of hurt feelings the person cannot articulate and work through. Ultimately, the emotionally mature and right thing to do when we hurt someone’s feelings is to apologize.
• Forgive. It’s important to forgive a grudge-holder for your own benefit. Holding on to toxic anger is not only emotionally unhealthy, but toxic anger also contributes to physical illnesses including high blood pressure, cardiac disease, and substance abuse.
• Move On. Letting go of the grudge-holder’s grasp and moving on with your life is imperative. This can be achieved by fully accepting the reality that what will be will be. The serenity prayer stated at the end of 12-step meetings perfectly sums up this point. This prayer emphasizes “accepting the things/people we cannot change and the wisdom to know the difference.” We can’t change other people, but we can change our reactions and the way we live our lives.

Breaking up in the Digital Age

Reflections on loss, mourning, closure and social media.

BY DR. PAULA DURLOFSKY

 

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Breaking up is difficult—and in our 24/7 digital world, mourning losses is even more messy and complicated. Allowing proper time and space to fully mourn is crucial to our psychological wellbeing. Halting the process by denying it, minimizing its significance and avoiding feelings associated with it puts us at greater risk for experiencing other emotional setbacks.

Social media can compound our misery. Regularly visiting an ex’s status updates, reading posts or revisiting past texts can prolong and complicate the grieving and mourning process. Social media can even trigger unexpected emotions from losses suffered long ago.

A young woman in her mid-20s recently came to me for help in dealing with the breakup of a five-year relationship with her boyfriend. They’d been together since high school, and with the help of social media, they maintained their relationship while attending different colleges. “Texting and Facetime was key for us staying together,” she told me in one session. “Scott was my first boyfriend, so this breakup is really hard to accept. I know I shouldn’t do this, but I can’t help checking his social media feeds daily. Sometimes it’s like 10 to 20 times a day.”

Karen’s social media obsession with her ex was interfering with her sleep, her eating and her concentration. “I feel like I’m on the slippery slope of developing a social media addiction,” she confessed. “I’m even sleeping with the phone right under my pillow, because I’m afraid I may miss a text from him in the middle of the night.”

Over time, the patient gained control of her urges, and she began to realize how much her behavior was prolonging her sadness. As she became more mindful of her social media habits, it helped her move through the mourning process.

According to psychiatrist and grieving expert Elizabeth Kubler Ross, we process our feelings in the following five stages:

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

It’s also normal to move back and forth between stages—for example, from bargaining to anger and back again. Mourning is not a neat process. The light at the end of the tunnel is acceptance. It’s the antidote to notgetting stuck— and it promotes feelings of hope.

Here are five tips to help you gain closure in the digital age:

1. Take a break from all social media. Even if it’s just for a day, creating some emotional distance helps cool anger, sadness, disbelief, denial and hopelessness.  
2. Cultivate virtual boundaries. Just as you might want to avoid seeing an ex in real life, the same applies to your virtual life. Consider unfollowing your ex temporarily or, if need be, permanently.
3. Stay connected with your friends. Start a new group text with your closest pals or a “best friends only” Facebook group. This should help minimize feelings of isolation.
4. Identify which social media habits are triggers. Be prepared to see images and postings from your ex that might trigger strong feelings, and be mindful of the time of day you use social media. If you’re facing an especially stressful day at work or school, avoiding it in the morning could spare you the sort of heartache that interferes with your ability to focus throughout the day. 
5. Remain hopeful. You won’t feel this way forever. For various reasons, not all relationships are meant to be. 

5 Ways To Curb Social Media During The Holidays

The holidays are fast upon us and, in the blink of an eye, Thanksgiving, Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa, and New Year’s Eve will have already come and gone. Along with the holiday season comes much time spent with family from near and far, attending parties, preparing elaborate holiday dinners, and buying expensive gifts to show loved ones how much we care about them.

Improve your relationships by stopping mind reading and projection

“I’m not a mind reader!”
“She can’t read my mind…how does she know?”
“He’s projecting his feelings on me!”

You’ve likely heard, or maybe said, phrases like these before. In a disagreement with loved ones or co-workers, it’s easy to feel frustrated that another party hasn’t adequately anticipated our needs (mind reading) or to wrongly assume that you understand what another person thinks, feels or expects (projection.)

Finding Hope: How to Turn Disappointments into Strengths

Disappointments can be deeply painful, crush our self-esteem, and shake our world.

Disappointment is defined as “the feeling of sadness or displeasure caused by the unfulfillment of one’s hopes or expectations.” So, naturally, disappointments leave us feeling sad, regretful, dismayed and sorrowful. And given the current news today, from the numerous worldwide natural disasters to the country’s political instability, many people are experiencing an array of emotions associated with disappointment.

Letting go of life's little stressors

MAIN LINE HEALTH APRIL 10, 2017 WELLNESS ARTICLES BY PAULA DURLOFSKY, PHD

Letting go is hard. We can all relate to having “one of those days” filled with unexpected disappointments and stressors, like last-minute changes to our schedule, a missed appointment, conflicts with family, friends or co-workers, or a plan that didn’t work out like we had hoped. But acknowledging the anger, frustration and sadness, caused by these minor everyday disappointments and stressors is very important and necessary for letting go.  

Holding on to negative feelings for too long can wreak havoc on our relationships and overall life. Pent-up emotions can take their toll on us emotionally and physically—it contributes to anxiety and mood disorders, obsessive- compulsive disorders and substance abuse.  A number of studies have also found a correlation between chronic stress and an increased risk in cardiac disease, high-blood pressure and some cancers.  

There’s no doubt that letting go is hard since it means accepting the reality that many events in life are beyond our control. Understanding and accepting what we cannot change verses what we can change or re-negotiate in our daily life is crucial for being able to let go of the small stuff. 

Below are five tips to help you cultivate the art of letting go of life’s daily disappointments and stressors:

• Acknowledge your feelings: No matter how minor a disappointment or stressor may seem to you, it’s important to acknowledge your feelings. Calling a friend or relative to let off some steam can quickly reduce the intensity of anger, frustration and sadness. Small stressors that go unacknowledged and unexpressed pile up and, at some point, begin to take their toll.
• Put the disappointment into perspective: Putting some degree of emotional distance between yourself and the circumstance can help. Ask yourself, “What would I say to a friend facing this problem?” “Would the event seem minor or moderate?” Putting things into perspective helps with gaining an understanding about whether or not your emotional reaction is helpful or necessary.
• Be patient with yourself: Acknowledging our feelings is work and can be emotionally draining, especially if it’s something new and unfamiliar to you.  Developing self-compassion takes time and patience. It’s an adaptive and necessary skill to have in order to lead a happier and healthier life.  
• Stick with it—it will be worth it. Find ways to quickly reduce your stress and anxiety: Find a stress reduction method that works for you. Mindfulness meditation, yoga and deep breathing have all been shown to be effective stress-reducing techniques
• Talk with a professional: Getting easily angry and harboring resentments makes living life harder than it ought to be. It’s usually a sign that a deeper issue needs to be addressed. Exploring underlying issues and learning how to talk about feelings helps can make letting go possible—and easier.

Dr. Paula Durlofsky is a psychologist in private practice in Bryn Mawr, whose practice focuses on psychological issues affecting individuals, couples and families. She is affiliated with Bryn Mawr Hospital and Lankenau Medical Center.

Stop the cycle of self-sabotage

MAIN LINE HEALTH JULY 12, 2017 WELLNESS ARTICLES BY PAULA DURLOFSKY, PHD

If you often find that, despite good intentions, your efforts are often backfiring, you may be unknowingly using self-sabotaging tactics and engaging in self-sabotaging behaviors.

Self-sabotaging behaviors are made up of a complex set of actions and thoughts that ruin our good intentions and negatively affect our relationships, employment, health, quality of life and emotional well-being. These self-sabotaging behaviors are usually learned in childhood through example and by modeling, and it is not uncommon for these behaviors to be passed down from one generation to the next.

It’s important to understand that since self-sabotaging behaviors are initially reinforced, in the short-term they allow temporary relief from feelings of anxiety and stress by means of avoidance, but in the long-term they lead to chronic depression, low self-esteem, substance abuse, poor interpersonal relationships, un-actualized life goals and stifles potential.

Examples of self-sabotaging behaviors and thoughts are:

• Agreeing to commitments and tasks that you’d like to say no to
• Procrastinating
• Neglecting your physical health (e.g., a poor diet, lack of exercise, abusing alcohol)
• Frequently lying to people in order to avoid a conflict
• Being impulsive with actions and feelings
• Believing and needed to always be right
• Not finishing projects or tasks you’ve started
• Focusing only on the negative aspects of your life or yourself

Although self-sabotaging behaviors can be difficult to let go of, it is not impossible. Instead, replace self-sabotaging behaviors with helpful, positive behaviors and thoughts.

Below are a few strategies to help you get out of the self-sabotage trap:

• Acknowledge that you engage in self-sabotaging behaviors and thoughts. The first step in addressing any issue is to acknowledge it. Acknowledging our struggles allows us to take personal responsibility for them and makes us aware that it is within our power to make life real and lasting changes.
• Identify when you most often use self-sabotaging tactics. Write down specific situations where you recognize you use self-defeating thoughts and behaviors. Identify the feelings you’re avoiding by using self-sabotaging tactics such as anxiety, fear of hurting someone else’s feelings or avoiding a conflict.
• Have a plan for challenging times. Take the time to brainstorm with a trusted friend, family member or a mental health professional in order to find alternative ways of responding to future challenging situations. It’s difficult for most people to think clearly when they are feeling anxious or stressed. Being prepared with healthy tactics when facing a challenging situation improves your chances for making changes.
• Seek professional help. Self-sabotage behaviors are complex and being able to actually change them may need the help of a professional. Together, exploring the underlying causes of one’s self-destructive behaviors can bring about the insights needed for lasting change and for leading a rewarding and enriched life.

Failure to launch: Adult children living at home and how to help them

MAIN LINE HEALTH MAY 9, 2017 WELLNESS ARTICLES BY PAULA DURLOFSKY, PHD

According to the most recent US Census Bureau report, 24 million adults ages 18–34 are still living at home with their parents. This could be for a variety of reasons—economic hardship, a difficult housing market, a competitive career landscape—but, whatever the reason, the truth is clear: it’s becoming more commonplace and acceptable to call your parents roommates.

While it may be more acceptable, this trend can lead to some unhealthy behavior. For some adult children living at home, the duration of their stay can be considered emotionally unhealthy and mean they have a “failure to launch.”

This term, failure to launch, describes the phenomenon of adult children remaining highly dependent upon their parents after college and beyond. The psychological and systematic factors underlying the failure to launch are complex and multifaceted.

It’s not uncommon for young adults navigating adult responsibilities to suffer from depression, anxiety, substance abuse and deep-seated feelings of isolation. Emotional issues often do not express themselves until late adolescence or young adulthood. Additionally, learning issues that were not detected earlier can also contribute to the underlying causes of an adult child’s struggle with functioning independently and autonomously.

But, at its core, failure to launch signifies a young adult’s struggle with his or her ability to be autonomous and to function independently from his/her parents.

Dr. Eli R. Lebowitz, a psychologist at the Yale Child Study Center at Yale University recommends the following strategies for parents of adult children who find themselves in a failure to launch situation to steer their child toward autonomy and independence:

Don’t be judgmental of yourself or your dependent adult child

Too often, parents and/or their overly dependent adult children are labeled as being lazy, selfish or overly indulgent. These types of remarks and criticism only bring about deeper feelings of shame, depression, isolation and anxiety for parents and children. In actuality, failure to launch is a multi-faceted and complicated situation.

Be compassionate with your child

It’s important to recognize that your dependent adult child likely is not enjoying their lack of autonomy independence. Ultimately, it is painful for anyone to watch their peers move on with their lives by starting careers, being in mature relationships and living independently. Understand that your child is likely not happy to be living at home, either.

Decrease accommodating behaviors that enable your child’s dependence

Some parents of dependent children continue to do all their laundry, cook their meals and clean their bedrooms. These behaviors may actually enable your child’s dependency upon you. Set up small goals aimed at helping your dependent child take on more personal responsibility for themselves. For example, expect them to prepare their own dinner, keep their room clean and pay a household utility bill if possible.

Don’t keep it secret

Keeping your and your child’s living situation a secret may intensify feelings of shame and failure. At some point in our lives, we all struggle. It’s important to appreciate our difficult times, not view them as something we are ashamed of. Seek support from family and friends about your situation

Get a mental health evaluation, for issues like depression and anxiety

It’s not uncommon for mental health issues to exhibit themselves in late adolescence or young adulthood. Some learning issues are not detected during a child’s high school years because of parental involvement and teacher supervision. So, it’s not uncommon for learning issues to become more apparent in situations where there are significant academic and organizational demands and little supervision.